I pride myself in writing about important
social issues here at Whatever-Dude.com. So, since everybody loved the Kate Winslet Nude Scene Extravaganza,
I've made like Hollywood and produced a sequel in a matter of moments. What an artist I
What happens when someone who is both narcissistic and riddled with mental deficiencies
is embraced by the world of popular culture? If it doesn't result in a website about Star
Wars playsets you get a piece of work like Angelina Jolie, the bee-stung lipped
daughter of actor John Voight. Once Voight (famous for basically being a big dick to
everybody) got somebody pregnant and made a little deformed human being pop out of her
hindquarters he got scared and left. The offspring felt betrayed and, through severe
oppression and lots and lots of money, broke on through to SUPER STARDOM!!!1
Everybody is friends with somebody like this. "Ooh, my upper upper upper upper
upper middle-class parents think I'm a little weird because I listened to the Cure once
and put me in a mental institution! We were so poor, I had to drive a brand new Neon in
high school instead of the Porsche! I hate my parents, so I cut myself!" If we
learned nothing else from Eminem's poetic masterpiece "Stan," kids who cut
themselves because they're feeling bad are about the biggest idiots in the world. He just
says that shit clowning, dog! Unfortunately Billy Bob Thornton actually wrote back to
Angelina, so she didn't drive off a bridge with her girlfriend in the trunk. They got
married. So we'll be hearing about her for the rest of our lives.
It wasn't always like this. Once upon a dream Angelina was nothing more than an
alternative to the leather-tanned nude scenes of Sharon Stone that littered the 90's. She
had a pixie haircut and a bunch of unflattering tattoos...and yes, for a while, it was
pretty nice. You can put a few grand of plastic surgery onto Andy Griffith and people will
pay to see him in a movie. Afterwards, several "ANDY GRIFFITH NUDE!!!" sites pop
up. After that, the backlash...click here to see Andy Griffith sunbathing...click here to
see Andy Griffith NO PANTS LOL...click here to see ANDI GRYFFITH CAUGHT FINALLY TOTALLY
NUDE VAGINA AND ALL EATING A TURD PRESS 696969. It goes on forever, until we catch Anna Kournikova
sunbathing and forget all about Andy, and all the laughs he and Gomer brought us over
Now our only opportunity to see Angelina Jolie in her natural environment is at awards
shows, accepting awards for playing drug-using lesbians in the most diverse portfolio of
films this side of Paulie Shore. Rumors continue to circulate that her marriage to Billy
Bob is just a cover-up for the bizarre sexual relationship she has with her brother. She
got married wearing her husband's name written on a white T-shirt in blood. She carries
around his blood in a necklace and threatens to assault anyone who tries to remove it. She
cuts herself during sex. She shows up to work with big ass scars running down her arms.
She's a psychopathic, plastic, incestuous outpatient who married a guy named
"Billy Bob" who is famous for playing a retard who hit a guy in the head with a
lawnmower blade. Somehow, people still want to have sex with her.
Angela Lansbury is sitting at home right now without a single fucking testosterone
brigade website, and she's done nothing but make quality television for old people her
entire life. She was Mrs. Potts in "Beauty and the Beast" for Christ's sakes. I
think we all owe her an apology. What makes Angelina Jolie any more sexually desirable
than a woman who wrote MURDER with her typewriter every single God damned Sunday night for
most of our lives?
"There was a time when I was really going to give up acting-- right after
Foxfire. I was trying to find characters with a certain strength and things going on, but
I was always disappointed." - Angelina Jolie, GQ, December 1998
Absolutely, Ang. Let's take a look.
Character: l33t DOOD ZERO COOL ACID BURN n JuNx AOL suXX!!!111
GETTING NAKED FOR DORKS
"Hackers" is the one surefire way to tell if you want to hang out with
somebody or not. Does your friend say Hackers is a really good movie? Stop being friends.
Long story short, it's a movie about VERY attractive people who are SUPER SMART and love
HACKING into things by HACKING with their HACKING computers. In real life, the most your
casual hacker can do is make your MP3s stop playing right or make some fat naked chick
show up on your screen with a condescending message. In this movie they bring down the
fucking Soviet Union over the phone. The real misnomer of "Hackers" is that
these people weigh less than 300 pounds.
Another misnomer is that any of these Hackers would have girlfriends. Most hackers I
know are too busy complaining about the expansion capabilities of the latest version of
LINUX to actively seek out poon. If the clitoris had a mousepad and a Logitech web cam
attached they'd be in business.
Character: Gia, a strung-out lesbian crackhead.
GETTING NAKED FOR OTHER CHICKS
"Gia," a made for HBO film about a super model who is "too beautiful to
die...TOO WILD TO LIVE" made me go "OMG" the first time I saw it. Jolie
first garnered critical acclaim for this role, which burdened her with the tough acting
job of being naked for about an hour and a half and smoking a lot. Through her tough as
nails portrayal and her no-nonsense discarding of all sorts of clothes, Jolie (who's real
last name is "Bob Thornton") rose above other HBO film celebrities like Michael
Jai White and Don Cheadle. Neither of them have giant breasts.
Right click and select "save target as" on what you're choking the chicken to to
download some steamy crackhead action! 440 KB
Having worked at a Blockbuster video, I can't tell you how many fanboys flocked to the
store to rent this movie when it came out on VHS. Seriously, tell ANYBODY who doesn't know
that this movie features Angelina Jolie having a bunch of lesbian sex and they'll do two
1) Open their eyes real wide and say "DUDE!" (if you're on the West coast) or
"WHAZAAAZAAAAAAAAAP" (if you're on the East coast). If you're in the middle of
the country they say "WHOOOWEEE!!!" and have a ho-down. If you're Eminem, they
say "It was...it was you. Damn."
2) Use any means possible to view this, one hand on the phone book and one hand on the
zipper. The first time I saw Gia I was watching it with my aforementioned "upper
class friend who cuts herself and oh my gosh you guys it's so deep have you ever listened
to Depeche Mode oh my gosh you guys." I couldn't exactly whip it out like I was at a
"Jolie" family reunion and bust a nut all over Angelina.
But you have to understand where I'm coming from. I wasn't wanting to bust the
aforementioned nut over Angeler. "Gia" features one of the coolest moments in my
life...the introduction of Angelina Jolie
NAKED IN A STEEL CAGE
Right click and select "save target as" to see Jolie's incredible acting
ability, and how she can portray so many emotions with her knockers swinging around like
that. 3,242 KB
What's better than a naked woman in a steel cage? This is awesome because of the same
reason I find women in hockey jerseys so attractive. If women who played organized sports
looked any better than most prison inmates they would rule men with an iron fist. That's
why marginally attractive females like Manon Rheaume and Martina Hingis have become
masturbatory legends in the minds of boys around the world. It's why people hang out in
Anna Kournikova's bushes. Previously, only European models and possibly Martina Hingis
have hung out in Anna Kournikova's bush.
Now if I can catch a chick in the Vertebreaker my life will be complete.
Character: "Legs" Sadovsky, a strung-out lesbian crackhead
GETTING NAKED FOR OTHER CHICKS WHO WERE IN THE WIZARD
Foxfire is a movie about girls who rebel because they are misunderstood. They rebel by
buying a gun, and subsequently sitting around lighting candles and looking at each other
naked. This movie MUST have been written by a chick, because this many naked women in one
room usually requires a "bikini car wash" or some sort of illicit slasher movie
slumber party going on.
The other chick in this picture played "Haley," the snot nosed bitch from
"The Wizard" who gets Fred Savage and his retard Pokémon Master little brother
out of trouble by saying some guy molested her in a casino. "The Wizard" is the
best movie about a kid who is good at Double Dragon ever made, even though it didn't
feature a room full of rebellious females. "Foxfire" also features a naked and
rebelling Hedy Burress, who starred in the sitcom "Boston Common" a few years
ago with Anthony Clark, who went to my high school. That's my little "six
degrees" connection to a woman who sleeps with her brother. Enjoy.
Well...I do have a few relatives in West Virginia. So maybe I'm overestimating my
family tree. Once I fell down and hit my head on the coffee table. I like stories.
Film: Cyborg 2: Glass Shadow
Character: "Cash" Reese, a strung-out cyborg lesbian crackhead.
GETTING NAKED FOR ROBOTS
Didn't know they made a sequel to Van Damme's robot carnival epic? You were better off.
I haven't actually seen Cyborg 2, because I loved to love myself the way I am a long time
ago. All I know is that there is lots of ROCK EM SOCK EM ACTION THAT EXPLODES THROUGH YOUR
SCREEN and Angelina Jolie gets naked. Twice, I think.
Notice how much smaller the breasts are here. Now, I don't want to say that Angelina
Jolie has ever had any plastic surgery. I wouldn't dare assume, because when you assume
you make an ass out of "um" and "E!" Last time I made an ass out of
Steve Kmetko he tried to stick his schlong in my mouth.
Film: Mojave Moon
Character: "Elie" Rigby, a hitchhiker that looks a lot like Tiffani-Amber
Theissen would look if she were a strung-out lesbian crackhead.
GETTING NAKED FOR PREPPIE
Okay, Theissen's head is about three times as big, but you get the idea. If I had to
pick somebody from "Saved by the Bell" that Angelina Jolie would want to sleep
with, Zack would probably be the last one on the list. First she'd go for the nasty
stripper that went out with Slater and then probably Screech. Screech dressed up like a
woman a lot. Come to think of it, Mr. Belding was the oldest, baldest, and most brain
damaged. So she'd pick him first.
But seriously, the little seen Mojave Moon features the obligatory
WATCH ME BATHE TRA LA LA SCENE
The water hits her head, washes down over the hard plastic orbs, mixes with the various
juices and parasites living around the waist, and then hits the floor. Make sure you wear
flip flops if you're going to take a shower after Angelina Jolie. I wonder if she cuts
herself while she's in the shower? That would be so deep.
Film: Pushing Tin
Character: Mary, a strung-out crackhead who is married to Billy Bob Thornton. Fucking
academy should appreciate an actress who looks for CERTAIN STRENGTHS and INTENSE
DIFFERENCES in her roles. Hmph!
GETTING NAKED FOR A CUSACK
I think every woman should get naked for Cusack at least once in their life. Cusack
starred in quite possibly the most overly-pussified film of the 80's, "Say
Anything," and managed to walk away with his manhood intact. That movie is about a
kickboxer who wants to sleep with a rich girl who is too good for him. They beat the
system and find true love. Replace "kickboxer" with "rapper" and
you've got the Vanilla Ice classic "Cool as Ice." Replace "rich girl who is
too good for him" with "evil Chinese guy" and you've got most Van Damme
movies. Cameron Crowe is a genius.
Angelina met her future husband and white trash icon Billy Bob Thornton on the set of
"Pushing Tin." The two reportedly fell in love and then began cutting each other
to see how much they bleed. When Bud Light came out of Billy Bob's wrist they knew they'd
found love. Or something unnecessary and bizarre. Either one works.
If they make a sequel to "Pushing Tin" they should call it "Pushing
FOR THE FUTURE
It looks like those overly naked roles of the past have been left far behind Jolie, who
was only last year awarded with an Oscar for her portrayal of a strung-out lesbian
crackhead in "Girl, Interrupted." She followed up the award winning role by
playing somebody who wants to have sex with Nicholas Cage in "Gone in Sixty
Seconds." Personally, I'd rather associate with a bunch of strung-out lesbian
crackwhores than somebody who wants to have sex with Nicholas Cage. That's just sick.
This summer, all the dorks who though they could sleep with her
when they bought Hackers on DVD get another chance to fantasize when Jolie, the only woman
who could play the part, plays Lara Croft in the blockbuster "Tomb Raider"
movie. No other woman can match Lara Croft's natural charisma and wit. Also, no other
woman has breasts that are eight times larger than her head and pointy enough to skewer a
buffalo with. Once again, Angelina defies expectations and gives a tour de force
performance as a deep and introspective character who dresses in daisy dukes and enjoys
fighting bears in caves with guns.
Plus, we get to hear her British accent, which I'm sure is perfect and exact. I'm sure
she took three whole days off from violently shooting up to take the acting class. Now she
can use "wanker" as a derogatory term, and not as something to land her a lead
If there's one thing I'll miss about these films and Angelina's performance is the way
she portrayed positive female role models. All too often actresses get caught up in
playing lead roles that are challenging and complimentary towards females as a society.
Films like "Erin Brokovich" which stress the bending of stereotypes and films
like "Air Force One" which feature a female Vice President and bitching Harrison
Ford one-liners have become passe. The new generation of females just want to sit around
looking grumpy, trying to make their underdeveloped breasts look as intense and inhumane
as can possibly be.
Just look at our webcam section.
You're a real hero, Angel. Keep fighting the good fight.