What happens when someone who is both narcissistic and riddled with mental deficiencies is embraced by the world of popular culture? If it doesn't result in a website about Star Wars playsets you get a piece of work like Angelina Jolie, the bee-stung lipped daughter of actor John Voight. Once Voight (famous for basically being a big dick to everybody) got somebody pregnant and made a little deformed human being pop out of her hindquarters he got scared and left. The offspring felt betrayed and, through severe oppression and lots and lots of money, broke on through to SUPER STARDOM!!!1

Everybody is friends with somebody like this. "Ooh, my upper upper upper upper upper middle-class parents think I'm a little weird because I listened to the Cure once and put me in a mental institution! We were so poor, I had to drive a brand new Neon in high school instead of the Porsche! I hate my parents, so I cut myself!" If we learned nothing else from Eminem's poetic masterpiece "Stan," kids who cut themselves because they're feeling bad are about the biggest idiots in the world. He just says that shit clowning, dog! Unfortunately Billy Bob Thornton actually wrote back to Angelina, so she didn't drive off a bridge with her girlfriend in the trunk. They got married. So we'll be hearing about her for the rest of our lives.

It wasn't always like this. Once upon a dream Angelina was nothing more than an alternative to the leather-tanned nude scenes of Sharon Stone that littered the 90's. She had a pixie haircut and a bunch of unflattering tattoos...and yes, for a while, it was pretty nice. You can put a few grand of plastic surgery onto Andy Griffith and people will pay to see him in a movie. Afterwards, several "ANDY GRIFFITH NUDE!!!" sites pop up. After that, the backlash...click here to see Andy Griffith sunbathing...click here to see Andy Griffith NO PANTS LOL...click here to see ANDI GRYFFITH CAUGHT FINALLY TOTALLY NUDE VAGINA AND ALL EATING A TURD PRESS 696969. It goes on forever, until we catch Anna Kournikova sunbathing and forget all about Andy, and all the laughs he and Gomer brought us over the years.

Now our only opportunity to see Angelina Jolie in her natural environment is at awards shows, accepting awards for playing drug-using lesbians in the most diverse portfolio of films this side of Paulie Shore. Rumors continue to circulate that her marriage to Billy Bob is just a cover-up for the bizarre sexual relationship she has with her brother. She got married wearing her husband's name written on a white T-shirt in blood. She carries around his blood in a necklace and threatens to assault anyone who tries to remove it. She cuts herself during sex. She shows up to work with big ass scars running down her arms.

She's a psychopathic, plastic, incestuous outpatient who married a guy named "Billy Bob" who is famous for playing a retard who hit a guy in the head with a lawnmower blade. Somehow, people still want to have sex with her.

Angela Lansbury is sitting at home right now without a single fucking testosterone brigade website, and she's done nothing but make quality television for old people her entire life. She was Mrs. Potts in "Beauty and the Beast" for Christ's sakes. I think we all owe her an apology. What makes Angelina Jolie any more sexually desirable than a woman who wrote MURDER with her typewriter every single God damned Sunday night for most of our lives?

"There was a time when I was really going to give up acting-- right after Foxfire. I was trying to find characters with a certain strength and things going on, but I was always disappointed." - Angelina Jolie, GQ, December 1998

Absolutely, Ang. Let's take a look.

Film: Hackers
Character: l33t DOOD ZERO COOL ACID BURN n JuNx AOL suXX!!!111
Certain strength:

GETTING NAKED FOR DORKS

"Hackers" is the one surefire way to tell if you want to hang out with somebody or not. Does your friend say Hackers is a really good movie? Stop being friends. Long story short, it's a movie about VERY attractive people who are SUPER SMART and love HACKING into things by HACKING with their HACKING computers. In real life, the most your casual hacker can do is make your MP3s stop playing right or make some fat naked chick show up on your screen with a condescending message. In this movie they bring down the fucking Soviet Union over the phone. The real misnomer of "Hackers" is that these people weigh less than 300 pounds.

Another misnomer is that any of these Hackers would have girlfriends. Most hackers I know are too busy complaining about the expansion capabilities of the latest version of LINUX to actively seek out poon. If the clitoris had a mousepad and a Logitech web cam attached they'd be in business.

Film: Gia
Character: Gia, a strung-out lesbian crackhead.
Certain strength:

GETTING NAKED FOR OTHER CHICKS

"Gia," a made for HBO film about a super model who is "too beautiful to die...TOO WILD TO LIVE" made me go "OMG" the first time I saw it. Jolie first garnered critical acclaim for this role, which burdened her with the tough acting job of being naked for about an hour and a half and smoking a lot. Through her tough as nails portrayal and her no-nonsense discarding of all sorts of clothes, Jolie (who's real last name is "Bob Thornton") rose above other HBO film celebrities like Michael Jai White and Don Cheadle. Neither of them have giant breasts.

Right click and select "save target as" on what you're choking the chicken to to download some steamy crackhead action! 440 KB

Having worked at a Blockbuster video, I can't tell you how many fanboys flocked to the store to rent this movie when it came out on VHS. Seriously, tell ANYBODY who doesn't know that this movie features Angelina Jolie having a bunch of lesbian sex and they'll do two things:

1) Open their eyes real wide and say "DUDE!" (if you're on the West coast) or "WHAZAAAZAAAAAAAAAP" (if you're on the East coast). If you're in the middle of the country they say "WHOOOWEEE!!!" and have a ho-down. If you're Eminem, they say "It was...it was you. Damn."

and...

2) Use any means possible to view this, one hand on the phone book and one hand on the zipper. The first time I saw Gia I was watching it with my aforementioned "upper class friend who cuts herself and oh my gosh you guys it's so deep have you ever listened to Depeche Mode oh my gosh you guys." I couldn't exactly whip it out like I was at a "Jolie" family reunion and bust a nut all over Angelina.

But you have to understand where I'm coming from. I wasn't wanting to bust the aforementioned nut over Angeler. "Gia" features one of the coolest moments in my life...the introduction of Angelina Jolie

NAKED IN A STEEL CAGE

Right click and select "save target as" to see Jolie's incredible acting ability, and how she can portray so many emotions with her knockers swinging around like that. 3,242 KB

What's better than a naked woman in a steel cage? This is awesome because of the same reason I find women in hockey jerseys so attractive. If women who played organized sports looked any better than most prison inmates they would rule men with an iron fist. That's why marginally attractive females like Manon Rheaume and Martina Hingis have become masturbatory legends in the minds of boys around the world. It's why people hang out in Anna Kournikova's bushes. Previously, only European models and possibly Martina Hingis have hung out in Anna Kournikova's bush.

Now if I can catch a chick in the Vertebreaker my life will be complete.

Film: Foxfire
Character: "Legs" Sadovsky, a strung-out lesbian crackhead
Certain strength:

GETTING NAKED FOR OTHER CHICKS WHO WERE IN THE WIZARD

Foxfire is a movie about girls who rebel because they are misunderstood. They rebel by buying a gun, and subsequently sitting around lighting candles and looking at each other naked. This movie MUST have been written by a chick, because this many naked women in one room usually requires a "bikini car wash" or some sort of illicit slasher movie slumber party going on.

The other chick in this picture played "Haley," the snot nosed bitch from "The Wizard" who gets Fred Savage and his retard Pokémon Master little brother out of trouble by saying some guy molested her in a casino. "The Wizard" is the best movie about a kid who is good at Double Dragon ever made, even though it didn't feature a room full of rebellious females. "Foxfire" also features a naked and rebelling Hedy Burress, who starred in the sitcom "Boston Common" a few years ago with Anthony Clark, who went to my high school. That's my little "six degrees" connection to a woman who sleeps with her brother. Enjoy.

Well...I do have a few relatives in West Virginia. So maybe I'm overestimating my family tree. Once I fell down and hit my head on the coffee table. I like stories.

Film: Cyborg 2: Glass Shadow
Character: "Cash" Reese, a strung-out cyborg lesbian crackhead.
Certain strength:

GETTING NAKED FOR ROBOTS

Didn't know they made a sequel to Van Damme's robot carnival epic? You were better off. I haven't actually seen Cyborg 2, because I loved to love myself the way I am a long time ago. All I know is that there is lots of ROCK EM SOCK EM ACTION THAT EXPLODES THROUGH YOUR SCREEN and Angelina Jolie gets naked. Twice, I think.

Notice how much smaller the breasts are here. Now, I don't want to say that Angelina Jolie has ever had any plastic surgery. I wouldn't dare assume, because when you assume you make an ass out of "um" and "E!" Last time I made an ass out of Steve Kmetko he tried to stick his schlong in my mouth.

Film: Mojave Moon
Character: "Elie" Rigby, a hitchhiker that looks a lot like Tiffani-Amber Theissen would look if she were a strung-out lesbian crackhead.
Certain strength:

GETTING NAKED FOR PREPPIE

Okay, Theissen's head is about three times as big, but you get the idea. If I had to pick somebody from "Saved by the Bell" that Angelina Jolie would want to sleep with, Zack would probably be the last one on the list. First she'd go for the nasty stripper that went out with Slater and then probably Screech. Screech dressed up like a woman a lot. Come to think of it, Mr. Belding was the oldest, baldest, and most brain damaged. So she'd pick him first.

But seriously, the little seen Mojave Moon features the obligatory

WATCH ME BATHE TRA LA LA SCENE

The water hits her head, washes down over the hard plastic orbs, mixes with the various juices and parasites living around the waist, and then hits the floor. Make sure you wear flip flops if you're going to take a shower after Angelina Jolie. I wonder if she cuts herself while she's in the shower? That would be so deep.

Film: Pushing Tin
Character: Mary, a strung-out crackhead who is married to Billy Bob Thornton. Fucking academy should appreciate an actress who looks for CERTAIN STRENGTHS and INTENSE DIFFERENCES in her roles. Hmph!
Certain strength:

GETTING NAKED FOR A CUSACK

I think every woman should get naked for Cusack at least once in their life. Cusack starred in quite possibly the most overly-pussified film of the 80's, "Say Anything," and managed to walk away with his manhood intact. That movie is about a kickboxer who wants to sleep with a rich girl who is too good for him. They beat the system and find true love. Replace "kickboxer" with "rapper" and you've got the Vanilla Ice classic "Cool as Ice." Replace "rich girl who is too good for him" with "evil Chinese guy" and you've got most Van Damme movies. Cameron Crowe is a genius.

Angelina met her future husband and white trash icon Billy Bob Thornton on the set of "Pushing Tin." The two reportedly fell in love and then began cutting each other to see how much they bleed. When Bud Light came out of Billy Bob's wrist they knew they'd found love. Or something unnecessary and bizarre. Either one works.

If they make a sequel to "Pushing Tin" they should call it "Pushing Eleven."

*rimshot*

FOR THE FUTURE

It looks like those overly naked roles of the past have been left far behind Jolie, who was only last year awarded with an Oscar for her portrayal of a strung-out lesbian crackhead in "Girl, Interrupted." She followed up the award winning role by playing somebody who wants to have sex with Nicholas Cage in "Gone in Sixty Seconds." Personally, I'd rather associate with a bunch of strung-out lesbian crackwhores than somebody who wants to have sex with Nicholas Cage. That's just sick.

This summer, all the dorks who though they could sleep with her when they bought Hackers on DVD get another chance to fantasize when Jolie, the only woman who could play the part, plays Lara Croft in the blockbuster "Tomb Raider" movie. No other woman can match Lara Croft's natural charisma and wit. Also, no other woman has breasts that are eight times larger than her head and pointy enough to skewer a buffalo with. Once again, Angelina defies expectations and gives a tour de force performance as a deep and introspective character who dresses in daisy dukes and enjoys fighting bears in caves with guns.

Plus, we get to hear her British accent, which I'm sure is perfect and exact. I'm sure she took three whole days off from violently shooting up to take the acting class. Now she can use "wanker" as a derogatory term, and not as something to land her a lead role.

If there's one thing I'll miss about these films and Angelina's performance is the way she portrayed positive female role models. All too often actresses get caught up in playing lead roles that are challenging and complimentary towards females as a society. Films like "Erin Brokovich" which stress the bending of stereotypes and films like "Air Force One" which feature a female Vice President and bitching Harrison Ford one-liners have become passe. The new generation of females just want to sit around looking grumpy, trying to make their underdeveloped breasts look as intense and inhumane as can possibly be.

Just look at our webcam section.

You're a real hero, Angel. Keep fighting the good fight.