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Fear the Spears
posted by B on 2/14/01

I hate to sound like a broken record. I talk about Britney Spears like a delusional crackhead screams about trying to get the worms out of his ears. It's hard NOT to talk about her though, because she's on every television channel for most of the day. My only succor from the eardrum-shattering shrieks are "boot camp" episodes of Jenny Jones and an occasional rerun of "Hey Dude!"

However, not being satisfied with constantly being in my eyes and ears, Spears wants to be in my mouth. Now, under different circumstances I probably wouldn't completely mind that, but it's not her orbs of plastic: it's her carbonation.

The teen idol, known for chart toppers such as "(Hit Me) Baby One More Time," "Oops! I (Hit Me) Did It Again," "(Hit Me in the Face with a Steel Pipe) Lucky," "Stronger (Than Yesterday When You Hit Me)," "Sometimes (I Run When You Hit Me)," and about seventeen-hundred more songs than she should've been allowed, signed a deal that Pepsi said is among the soft drink company's biggest and most far-reaching agreements ever with an entertainer.

The agreement

Spears, a 19-year-old singing sensation who's style involves removing her clothes and thrashing about as if bitten by a venomous snake on stage, joined the ranks of other celebrity endorsers such as Michael Jackson and Ray Charles for Pepsi. In 1984, Jackson helped launch the Pepsi Generation. In 1998, Britney went in for knee surgery one day with A-cup breasts, came out of knee surgery with C-plus breasts and eternally erect nipples. She also wears fringed jackets like the Macho Man Randy Savage.

Speaking to a gathering of hundreds of employees and their children at Pepsi headquarters in Purchase, New York, Spears called her predecessors as Pepsi endorsers ''all of my heroes.'' Especially Madonna, who was let go from her Pepsi promotional contract after running naked through a meadow and fucking a black Jesus on a burning cross.

"I'm so happy to be here today with all of you,'' the teen idol said, holding a can of Pepsi. ``It's such an honor.'' The real honor is that people haven't already skinned the teen popper alive for making that video where she is the God damned queen of Mars and that pussy astronaut illogically gives her the necklace from "Titanic." Only a quadriplegic parade and Christopher Reeve doing soft shoe to "Mr. Bojangles" could've made that video more bizarre.

Dawn Hudson, senior vice president of strategy and marketing, presented Spears with a Pepsi vending machine for the game room of her new home. Spears said she'd put it between the pool table and the machine that hangs on the wall and dispenses condoms for three quarters.

Three Quarters to Ride

Terms of the contract were not disclosed, but are likely to rank Spears with other icons of her generation, like golfer Tiger Woods and tennis star Venus Williams. Woods reportedly is raking in $100 million over five years to promote Nike sports apparel and Williams just signed a contract with Nike rival Reebok for a reported $40 million in a five-year deal, despite the fact that she's got bitchin' armpit hair.

Pepsi and Spears signed a global sponsorship and advertising agreement, which includes cosponsorship of her upcoming worldwide tour. The first television commercial is expected to debut during the Academy Awards. It will no doubt play on the fact that her actual "singing" is done completely through the nose and then warped heinously with computer effects, and the fact that she is dating the guy with the pubes on his head from N'Sync.

Perhaps Pepsi's most famous past ad campaign was 1984's ''Pepsi -- The Choice of a New Generation'' commercials with Jackson, which earned him a reported $5 million. The ads were a huge hit with Jackson's fans, but also attracted attention after Jackson was burned during the filming of one of the commercial's scenes.

The Super Bowl ads touted a rejigged version of the company's earlier wholesome ``The Joy of Cola'' commercials, which featured country superstar Faith Hill who once left her fiancÚ at the alter because she'd been recently knocked up by a balding country hunk.

Pepsi has also been promoted by stars ranging from actor Michael J. Fox, who began shaking uncontrollably after endorsing Pepsi, to basketball superstar Shaquille O'Neal, who's film "KAZAAM" caused thousands of families to break up when it was released in 1996.

And in the early 1990s, Charles promoted the company's Diet Pepsi drink with catchy "You Got the Right One Baby'' commercials. He is now blind.

Pepsi hopes its first commercial starring Spears will debut during the March 25 broadcast of the Academy Awards on ABC. Pepsi will also sponsor Spears' upcoming worldwide tour, as long as she promises NOT to wear ONE SOCK on ONE ARM like she did during the Super Bowl half-time show.

The deal calls for Spears and Pepsi to collaborate on television commercials and other forms of advertising, such as point-of-purchase promotions. There will also be hyperlinks between Britney Spears' official Web site and Pepsi-Cola's Internet site.

Take off that stupid ass hat.

"I'm a Britney fanatic,'' a 15-year-old girl at the event said, before pulling her pants down and cursing her fans. "P.S. Britney we should be together too." Sadly, the girl drove off of a bridge later that night with her pregnant girlfriend in the trunk of the car.

Hudson said the Spears ads would target a general audience, not just the kids and rampant Internet perverts who make up the majority of Spears' fans. The ads will promote the main Pepsi brand and not other drinks such as Diet Pepsi, which gives you AIDS, or Mountain Dew, which turns you into a gay snowboarder.

Spears, who grew up in Kentwood, La., is up for two Grammys later this month -- "Best Pop Vocal Album'' and "Best Female Performance.'' The actual Grammy television program is up for an award this year, too, with "Best Attempt to Placate the MTV Generation."

The Pepsi deal is not Spears' first foray into sponsorship deals. Last year, Spears signed a footwear marketing pact with Skechers U.S.A. Inc. . The year before that, she got breast implants. So at least she's broadening her horizons. I thought she'd get butt implants and change her name to "B-Spe."

As it stands, I'm MUCH more excited to drink a specific soft drink than I was before the sponsorship. Previously I'd been a big fan of Mountain Dew, because it is SO XTREME that it is almost 2XTREME. Now I'm not sure if it is even 1 XTREME, because there is no pop singer advertising it.

Every drink should have a musical equivalent. Vitamin C can do commercials for Sunny Delight, Christina Aguilera can do commercials for skim milk, and Destiny's Child can do commercials for Yoo-Hoo, because it is brown and makes me want to puke. Also, Stevie Wonder can do ads for "Cheerwine," because drinking it causes your head to shake around violently and then robs you of your sight precious.

Where does this leave Coca-Cola, Pepsi's yearly dominator? I've got no idea, but if Sammy Sosa ever strolls up to me and asks me in his cockney-Cubanic accent to "take the Pepsi challenge" I'm going to badmouth Coke like my life depends on it. Not only is that guy bigger than me, but I've got suspicion that the MOMENT he says "EES SO REEEEEEEEAL" I'm going to burst out into laughter and get my ass kicked.

It's so B