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posted by B on 4/12/01

Help me, they're turning my LOINS into PUTTY!

The Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers.

That bold text ALONE is enough to make half of Whatever-Dude's readers break their mouse in search of the "back" button on their browser. The Power Rangers are so undeniably repulsive to people our age that any admittance of enjoyment involving the show results in the immediate kicking of one's ass.

Pop quiz: Who do you choose to beat up?

a) A frail, midget heroin addict wearing a Barney the Dinosaur T-shirt.
b) A mime watching the Real World and listening to "Oops! I Did It Again."
c) Those dump-pushers from O-Town. "Hey, I'm a sleazy child-molester looking guy singing about my wet dreams! ALL THE GIRLS MUST LOVE ME! OWW!"
d) Bruce Lee, holding nuclear spiked nunchucks or something. But he's wearing a Power Rangers T-shirt.

A no-brainer, you're STILL gonna try to kick Bruce Lee's ass. He could be holding the fucking Spanish Armada or something and you'd rage postal on him for supporting the prisma-colored defenders of Saban Entertainment.

Whenever we make fun of something on Whatever-Dude, most of the time we're just kidding. Iron Chef has changed my life and inspired me to become a kung-fu chef, and I watched the Comic Strip every time it was on, even though it gave me brain cancer and I speak out of a tube now. But as far as the Power Rangers go, most of us hate them like we hate being stabbed in the face with a rake.


Saying that the Power Rangers had a plot is like saying that Dungeons and Dragons is a KILLER way to pick up chicks.

We need dinosaur power! So...uh, call the big cardboard tiger!

There's this town called "Angel Grove" that exists out in bumfuck somewhere, so this Asian chick from the moon decides to attack it every single day with a giant monster. And not giant cool monsters, no anime robots or death machines mind you... things like a man made out of garbage and a shark that can swim in the ground. The stupid bitch believes that by conquering the town's juice bar she'll have effectively "taken over the world."

Every episode went EXACTLY like this:

1) The saviors of Angel Grove are the Power Rangers, teenagers with attitude chosen because they shop at Sears and know how to go "AYEEE!" or "HIIIIEEE!" They've all been given representative colors (red, blue, black, yellow, and pink) based on their race or sexual preference. They want their identities to be secret, so they do karate in public and wear whatever color their Power Ranger is. Real smart kids.

2) Something's wrong with the juice bar, like maybe their out of Jujufruits or something. It's a REAL crisis, so the pink ranger says "Oh my Gosh you guys" and "totally" for five or six minutes.


3) The chink on the moon wants to CONQUER EARTH HAHAHAHAHA so she sends a stupid small monster into Angel Grove. The monster goes "RAAAAAAAH" and makes everybody run out of the local park.

4) The Power Rangers show up, and fight Putties. (more on them later)

5) The Power Rangers beat up the monster. BUT WAIT JUST A MINUTE KING ITS NOT OVER! Japan Moonbitch decides to stop being retarded and makes the monster grow like 500 feet.

Suit...heavy...must...puke in foam mask...

6) The Power Rangers go "uh oh!"

7) Pink Ranger says "Oh my Gosh guys, what are we gonna do? Totally? Totally?"

8) The Power Rangers stop being retards and call out their giant death robots. Then they cut the monster in half with their huge evil ninja sword and the monster explodes. For no real reason.

9) The juice bar is saved!

The end. Every afternoon, five days a week. For like 14 seasons.

The vacation Bible-school teenagers that taught us how to hate.

Every year the show takes on a new adjective:

Mighty Morphin Power Rangers

Turbo Mighty Morphin Power Rangers

Turbo Mighty Morphin Power Rangers in Space

Turbo Mighty Morphin Power Rangers in the Lost Galaxy

Lightspeed Rescue Turbo Mighty Morphin Power Rangers in the Lost Galaxy

Stupid Fucking Lightspeed Rescue Turbo Child-Molesting Mighty Morphin Power Rangers in the Lost Galaxy called Fox Kids Somewhere Between Digimon and That Max Steel Show that my Retarded Little Cousin Could've Made on Her Computer

And so on.

Everytime they change, they change cast members. And, since I don't have the time or desire to mock each one of the losers that filled out the roles, I've created a convenient chart to show you the devil's children in their color-coded glory.

A few words of wisdom, Pink Ranger #2 isn't like MOST GIRLS who want the BLING BLING or the CHING CHING because she can PAY HER BILLS she can PAY HER TELEPHONE BILLS she can PAY HER AUTO-MO-BILLS. So don't even FRONT. Oh, and the third Red Ranger hates to be referred to as "Half Samoan Half Black Ranger #3."

As bad as Easter lunch.

"Putties are the expendable warriors made of clay who are sent down to Earth to wear down the Rangers before a monster fight, as well as for sabotage and special missions. Rita's putties would take many different forms, including pumpkin head putties, ball handed putties, and football player putties. Using a powerful clay she found, she created super putties, which were significantly harder to defeat."

I just TOTALLY kicked him you guys! Oh my gosh you guys!

That's taken from the "online authority on MMPR," which is both sad and depressing. It's like making a web page devoted to Freddie Prinze Jr. or My Little Pony. It's like buying Hello Kitty notebooks, taking them to high school, and showing them off to everybody.

As pathetic as the PUTTIES.These guys rate as the WORST TV show villains of all time. The Putties used their incredible martial arts skills to run into swing-sets and die. Putty attacks include:

- Standing in place, holding their hands up, and going "BLOOOOBLOOOOOBLLLOOOOOOB!!!" This is a lot like the Special Olympics, only the Putties don't drool all over themselves.

- Running directly into other peoples fists.

- Running at somebody. The Putties are dedicated, man, cause they're gonna keep running whether you're standing there or not. Most of the time they end up running into each other and dying. This is a lot like an after-prom party.I don't think the Putties were ever MEANT to win.

Just like the Baltimore Orioles.

I think Rita Repulsa and the red Krang guy just got their kicks watching that chick from Felicity do splits on the sliding board. Just like everybody else.

I hope you've enjoyed this valuable Mighty Morphin Power Rangers information. If you're one of those stupid people who E-mailed me and said "SAILOR MOON MIGHT SUCK BUT YOU HAVE NO DICK IF YOU DONT LIKE NINJA SCROLL WHAT ABOUT AKIRA GHOST IN THE SHELL IS AWESOME YOU SUCK," I give you this:

An actual excerpt from the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers online authority:


"The Megazord was the primary Zord combination used by the Power Rangers. It was formed by combining the Tyrannosaurus, Mastodon, Pterodactyl, Triceratops, and the Sabretooth Tiger. The MegaZord was controlled by a five-seat cockpit located in the head. The MegaZord could summon the Power Sword, which energized the Megazord even more and could be used to fight with. The MegaZord could fire its cranial laser on the top of its head for long distance attacks. The MegaZord could join up with the DragonZord to form the DragonZord in Battle Mode. The UltraZord could join up with Titanus the Carrier Zord. The MegaZord saw a long history of service as the Power Rangers used it as the main line of defense against Rita Repulsa's forces. The Dino Zords were eventually upgraded to Thunder Zords which were ultimately destroyed by Rito Revolto thus destroying the ability to recreate the Dino MegaZord. Jason, the Red Ranger piloted the Megazord."

The Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers will last in the minds of scarred children for the rest of their lives. Personally, I think that even strong-minded young adults and at least three of the Golden Girls would go into cardiac arrest and begin vomiting all over the place after reading the above paragraph.

What should you do if you read and ENJOYED this article?

Why, by all means send me money.

And then kill yourself.

This has been a paid service announcement from the theory of natural selection.

IM: NotAGoonie

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