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Aaron Spelling Just Gave Me a Dollar to Tell You That Tori is Pretty

posted by Dave on 4/06/01

I remember a few weeks after Beverly Hills 90210 made it's debut, I happened to catch an interview with one of the "stars" of the new teen unintentional comedy/drama. From that moment on, for ten years, my hatred for this "actress" grew by leaps and bounds I never thought imaginable.

Notice the girl in the background doing the much better job of acting like a high school student.

See now, it isn't the fact that this girl looked a cross-breeding of Mr. Ed and Drew Barrymore that made me despise her. Oh don't get me wrong... I'm as superficial as they come... but "despise" is a pretty strong word. In reality, I've only "disliked" people based on physical shortcomings alone. The reason for my intense hatred was based on something that she said in this interview. Now I can't remember the exact words... but it was something along the lines of:

"My Dad had nothing to do with getting me the job on this show. I actually auditioned for the role of Kelly, under a fake name. I eventually won the role of Donna instead."

I haven't seen or heard such a pile of shit... since the time I dreamt I punched Rosie O'Donnell in the stomach and it released the content of her innards.

Writer's Note: The preceding statement should be a pretty good indicator that I have serious mental problems. Somebody please help me.

Her father didn't help her get the job... because she auditioned under a "fake" name. That reminds of the time when I started working for my father's brokerage company. Since he is the owner of the company.. I didn't want to feel like nepotism was the reason I was being hired. The interview went something like this:

Dave: "Hello sir.. and good day. My name is William Perry. Here is my resume'. By the way, all of my friends call me "The Refrigerator".

Interviewer: "Haha.. That's pretty funny, Dave.

Dave: "Who is this Dave person you speak of? My name is William."

Interviewer: "Dave.. I've known you since you were four years old. Your Dad used to bring you into the office all of the time when you were younger. You're not fooling anybody with this act. Technically, this isn't even an interview... We're just here to discuss your starting salary, benefits and such. The job is already yours."

Dave: "Hey man.. I'm not here to cause no trouble. I'm just here to do the Super Bowl Shuffle."

Later that night...

Interviewer: (to his wife) "Macchia's son is fuckin insane. Now go fix me turkey pot pie, bitch."

At the beginning of 90210's run, it wasn't that bad. I mean sure, Tori Spelling didn't deserve a place on network television... but at least her character, Donna Martin, was the female equivalent of Leonardo DiCaprio in What's Eating Gilbert Grape. Donna was dumb as rocks, with no self esteem, and had to resort to going out with all around douchebag, David Silver.


I mean sure, there was the preposterous plot of Donna being convinced in Paris that she had what it takes to be a model... but that was easily overlooked due to all of the other plots dealing with Donna being a complete and utter retard.

"I said, "C'mon toots - my name is the Prince -
Beside, would a lunatic have a Porsche like this?"
She agreed and we were on our way
She was looking very good and so was I, I must say - WORD!!"

Then something happened just before the gang all went to the same college, somehow. They tried to revamp the character of Donna. Little did we know that while all of the kids at West Beverly were chanting, "Donna Martin graduates!!", that Webster's Dictionary had revised their definition of the word "graduate".

graduate (gra' Jew' ate) - to get a boob job, with the most unnatural looking cleavage and subsequently have good lookin guys fawn all over you, despite your character being a virgin, highly annoying, and about as "cute" as watching a babboon eat it's own fecal matter

Dr. Frankenstein pulled the sheet up to reveal:

"Hold on to your butts." -- Samuel L. Jackson in "Jurassic Park"

It was at this point in the show, that Aaron Spelling really started to flex his muscle. His whole attitude became, "Your daughter may be prettier than mine.. and chances are, unless her name is Kathy Griffin, that she is... but I am a powerful television overlord.. and can do whatever I want. So go play a nice game of "Hide and Go Fuck Yourself".".

She started dating frat guys and being an all around cocktease. Finally, along came Ray "My Momma was too poor to afford the second "T"" Pruit ... and somebody finally had to put this monster in her place.

Now, being raised in a household with two women, in addition to making me about as homosexual as a straight guy can get... it also taught me to respect women and how wrong domestic violence is. All of that teaching went out the window, when Ray "I'm gonna smash my pumpkins and go home" Pruit layed the smacketh down on Donna's roody poo candy ass. A synonym for "candy ass" would be:

Ummm... actually Dave, that wouldn't be a "synonym", per se.

I know... I just wanted to squeeze in the cd cover for "Monster Booty" and that seemed as good a place as any.

The funny part is, as the years went on, Tori Spelling actually started to buy into her father's delusion.. and tried to make herself a trendsetter...

Brian Austin Green: "When she showed up with this look.. it sealed the deal. I was not going to smile ever again."

The show progressed and the character of Donna Martin became not only a fashion designer... but also owned her own clothing store. Her on-again, off-again relationship with David Silver was like a ten year "Whocaresathon".

Hey... if an Aaron Spelling can put that thing he calls Tori on television.. I can invent words and put them on my website.

Quite demure and lovely

The last episode of 90210's ten year run, actually centered around Donna and David's wedding... which made complete sense being that the whole purpose of the show was to portray a family with twin kids, that move from Minnesota to Beverly Hills. The twins have to endure four and eight years respectively, of putting up with a bunch of assholes... to ultimately never attend the wedding that was ten years in the making. Make sense to you? Me neither.

The sad part is, Tori Spelling probably sat up in bed at night... dreaming of what her television wedding would be like someday. Poor, pathetic soul. I would pity her, if I just didn't really fuckin hate her so damn much.

Just announced as a new show on Fox's schedule for Fall 2001!!!

New from Spelling Productions...

Tori - a dramedy about small town beauty queen who moves to L.A., only to find out that she is the most beautiful girl in the world. Hilarity ensues as Tori is forced to care for her recently deceased sister's young daughter... and has to put up with the constant pressure of having to deal with her new daughter, coming home from school everyday, crying about how all of the kids tease her about her new Mommy being so much prettier than her old one.


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