posted by Chad on 2/16/02

Everybody has an addiction: perhaps not an “addiction” per say, but definitely a reoccurring indulgence that frequents their life. Some drink on a daily basis: BEER = GOOD! Weed seems to be crawling towards legalization after years of campaigning by potheads’ consistent indulgence. A lot of woman can’t make it through the day without a chocolate fix. Caffeine, donuts, cigarettes, watering plants, sleeping pills, solving complex mathematics without a calculator, anti-depressants… we all have compulsive needs, and that’s okay: it’s what makes us human.

However, sometimes these little crutches become the only thing we stand on. Faithful readers, I once was overwhelmed by an all controlling dependence. I too have an addiction: but this addiction dictated every waking moment of my life. It was no longer a small indulgence, but rather the center piece my tiny world revolved around. It was great when I got my fix, but the cost was becoming too much for my small income, and my tolerance grew out of control. I always needed more than before, and I no longer could afford the mounting costs. I tried to quit, but always broke down, finding sympathy in the drug that haunted my existence. This drug consumed me more than I consumed it.

I know, I know… it’s a horrible, filthy habit that can’t be justified. What? You don’t know about Gold Bond?!?? Seriously? Despite the all encompassing nature of Gold Bond, you are truly missing out if you haven’t tried it. Gold Bond is a bottle full of “Medicated Body Powder” that causes some very special effects when applied to your most sensitive body regions. For guys, the target is the sack; as for girls … the bottle says “For external use only,” so don’t let that powder seep too far south. The bottle also says “poudre médicamenteuse pour le cops à triple action,” which translates to “Best genital feeling ever possible TRIPLE ACTION.” Now I understand my affliction may sound a bit obscure, but there is good reason for the translation to cap lock “TRIPLE ACTION.” Gold Bond invokes otherwise dormant sensations, giving new life to an area already packed with fun.

I’m going to attempt to describe the Gold Bond experience without sounding overly pornographic, but this is no easy task: it’s like describing a great orgasm. You can speak of all the nitty gritty moves, positions and props, but words don’t come close to illuminating the sensation of climaxing ten seconds into the encounter.

Step one is to… well, there is only one step: dump this powder on your nether regions and conceal the evidence. I recommend the bathroom as an application area, for Gold Bond attaches itself to anything and everything – floor, skin, towels, thumb tacks, counter tops, rap music, small pets, book ends, and most dangerously, everything that you’re wearing – it’s going to be messy the first few times you score. The only thing to do after coating your privates is to relax, loosen up, and let the powder soothe your groin. I recommend light music and dim lights, but I’m romantic that way. Now breathe in and out slowly, and don’t panic: the incredible burning sensation is natural and short lived. I know it feels like torture at first, but calm down: it’ll be okay. Whatever you do, don’t cop out… no pain, no gain. The more it burns, the better it’ll feel – you see, the burning will soon be replaced with slight tingling… and the tingling slowly spreads and increases. It’ll feel good and you’ll dig it: like an icy breeze on your most private of parts, chills will spread up your spine. The feeling continues to grow, and your body doesn’t know what to do: you’ll become visibly horny multiple times throughout the encounter, and that’s because it feels like an orgasm that lasts at least 20 minutes. Twenty glorious, smooth, calming minutes of delight and grandeur. The tingling will slow down, but the smooth dryness remains, leaving a satisfaction that no sex can replace. It’s masturbation with TRIPLE ACTION effect and minus the labor, and it’s available in drug stores, supermarkets and Kwik-E-Marts everywhere.

My addiction to Gold Bond started innocently enough. A few friends came over while my parents were away, and we were just having a good time. Playing Super Mario Kart, drinking cheap domestic beer, simply enjoying the benefits of being a teenager. In between one of the Battle Mode matches, a buddy pulled out a bottle of Gold Bond. He told me about the application process, and I responded with the typical teenage banter of “gay fagot.” But as the beers continued to take effect, I became more curious. Soon, I locked myself in the bathroom, sat up on the counter while my pants lay crumpled on the floor, and began covering my scrotum with Gold Bond.

All of my masturbation paled in comparison: this invoked a true sexual awareness in my body. I realized the power of physical feelings, and fully embraced the possibilities of sensuality over any notion of reason or thought. Simply put, my spirit had been awakened, and it felt damn good.

Have you BONDED today?

Indulgence is my greatest sin. I can never have just a bit: I always want the whole damn kitten-kabuital. I started applying Gold Bond on a daily basis, and then with a higher potency… soon, I was Bonding up twice a day. My tolerance was growing, and I didn’t care: it made everything brighter, including my outlook on life. In retrospect, I can see how ill I was, but hindsight is 20/20, and back then, the only thing I felt was happiness.

Before long, I became truly hooked - not only was I irritable and unable to concentrate without this “Medicated Body Powder,” but I picked up a little known called swamp balls. Only the magical Gold Bond could remove the stickiness and moisture from my testicles, which yearned for the powder more than a fat person craves gravy on their salad. The administering of powder was no longer a sensatory overload: it’s became a simple necessity. The feeling of being embraced by utopia was now shorter lived and less climatic. It still felt good, but not like it once used to be. It’s like traveling to the big city for the fiftieth time: sure, the lights are still bright, but they no longer carry the magic. The mystery had been removed, and my body had grown immune.

REJOICE! HEAVEN BE PRAISED! EXTRA STRENGTH!

It seems God has taken pity on me! The Green Bottle offers Extra Strength TRIPLE ACTION! Oh, the initial application of this stronger drug was bliss in its truest form – I once again felt the burning rush and drawn out erotic sensations. The orgasmic vibrations lasted over an hour, rolling my eyes back into my skull, and rejuvenating every nerve ending throughout my body. Blessed be the man responsible for this, for he is truly worthy of praise.

After a few guilty days of complete indulgence, I sat back and realized that I was headed down the same road. This new wave of salacious sensations would eventually become mundane and ineffective, and what is after this? The drug doesn’t get any stronger, and I realized that this was my final chance to save myself.

The green bottle is where I am now, and I feel like I’m regaining control. I only Bond Up once a day, and the amount of powder being used is slowly but surely decreasing. Some days are hard, and I’ve admittedly fallen off the wagon a couple of times: but in general, I’m regaining my freedom. It’s still a problem, but a problem that is being tamed. Soon, I’ll be able to live a normal lifestyle, interact and act like any other human being, and maybe, with a lot of effort and a bit of luck, be able to return to the orange bottle of Gold Bond. I may still need my fix from time to time, but I’m making progress towards independence: and I’m pretty proud of that.

Testimony aside, if you haven’t tried Gold Bond once, then your ass hasn’t lived.

-Chad, fouff, that BigMeats asshole, and a pure breed Gold Bond user.
fouff@whatever-dude.com
I’m too lazy to dig up the code to link to my AIM name… but all that information is in my staff profile. Best segue ever. Anyway, if you haven’t noticed, Paul has put the staff profiles section of the site back online, so be sure to check it out.