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Celebrity Websites: Richard Simmons and the diet revolution!

posted by Paul on 2/13/02

The world has become a cynical and image-concious place. We're all concerned with looking good, eating right, driving the best car and having the most material possessions that our minds have lost sight of what really matters. Family values and personal character have given way to personal vanity, bordering on unabashed shallowness. From the celebrities down to Mary Rottencrotch at the local convenience store, the ideology of superficiality has taken off in spectacular and disturbing style. Forget a strong personality, individual thought or a genuine nature...you're nobody until you look good.

The media, in particular, has a lot to answer for, having encouraged the latest trends in fashion. If you pay any attention to subliminal messaging, you must conform: wear that expensive suit, buy that Tom Cruise smile, squeeze your weight to unhealthy proportions. It's sad, really. We're taught from an early age that unless we don't own/conform to the latest fad, we just aren't cool. Then the next fad takes over. One minute, big is beautiful, the next "big" is about as welcome as Winona Ryder in glitzy Hollywood fashion stores. Individuality, too, comes at a cost - prepare to be shunned. Oprah Winfrey is a role model simply by telling people that they need to appreciate the finer things in life. Yet, her ballooning weight problems and fascination with dieting seems to defy that sentiment - even to Oprah, size matters.

So, society deems that we should all be thin go-getters, even though media pressure to promote feelings of inferiority in the overweight has led to an upsurge in conditions such as bullimia and anorexia (even death). And, when a celebrity such as Calista Flockhart goes too far, we mock her. In reality, we should be blaming ourselves for expecting all women to be super-thin. Naturally, there has been a backlash, and it's practically considered an offence for a celebrity to admit that they, gosh, try to lose weight. Stick-thin actresses and unnaturally emaciated singers, in an effort to look blase, talk about "eating junk", all the while treating their throats to the "bony finger" diet.

Fat must be defeated. We all must be thin. Say that ten times, convince yourself and prepare to palm over the cash.

The weightloss industry has, pardon the pun, grown to frightening proportions. This happened simply because people want to be thin. Thin=happy. Happy=money. The equation is simple. We pay to be happy- whether it's buying drugs, a new video or a ridiculous diet plan. Happiness comes at a price, and although we often don't really know what makes us happy, there are about six millions gurus who'll take your hard-earned money and easily-earned trust just to tell you what happiness is and how buying their product will enrich your life. As far as weightloss goes, the party-line is this:

"You don't want to be fat, you want to be thin. Thin is healthy, thin is happy."

The statistics don't paint a pretty picture:

- One in every two Americans is presumed to be overweight; one in three are obese.

- 99% of people on the internet are losers.

- 100% of Chris Klein's movies suffer from, what scientists call "Suckassshitism".

Something needs to be done about this alarming decline in social ability. You want to lose weight, but how? You can decide that exercise will shed those pounds! Maybe you want to follow a celebrity diet (starvation)! Perhaps, you'll go for the no-fat clause when picking your foods; or you could always cut out the carbs and go heavy on the protein; why not just try this delicious cabbage soup! So many options, so many theories and contradictions. Many dilemmas: on the internet, you can create a world of make-believe; the TV is so damn good that you can't be bothered going outside; eating rules. You might think you know the answers, you might think that hiding your bloated carcass in imaginary worlds will make you happy. Wrong! If TV has taught you anything, it's that fat people are the butt of easy jokes, that once you've finished your last jellied donut the globules of misery will filter to your diseased heart into your slimy baboon head. The only solution is to go on a diet, to lose that unnecessary flab and armpit cheese: become a better person!


A Jellied Donut!

That is, if you believe this nonsense. Obesity, I concede, isn't something of which to boast, yet money-hungry gurus are making a fortune just by telling people what to eat, how to eat and producing dangerous literature and frightening videos. Fact is, not all diets are safe. Indeed, not everyone needs to go on a diet. The obsession with being unnaturally proportioned stemmed from Supermodel chic and has permeated through society - healthy, natural, curvaceous shapes are now chided. Men must have a six-pack, women a bulging rack of ribs. Who defined the limits of sexiness? Who's going to make overweight people feel good again? Who's going to dance into our hearts?


I hold in this hand my last thread of dignity

My first introduction to Richard Simmons is what's known as routine. There he was, the frizzy-haired, high-pitched buffoon hamming it up on the Letterman show. Letterman, all facial tics and old-school American, was appalled. I thought this was another one of those mildly amusing, ultimately shallow late-night segments - the hit-or-miss vignette featuring the outrageous gay stereotype going for cheap laughs. If "Friends" has taught us anything, TV audiences will laugh at anything bolstered by a laugh track. Little did I know but this little man was actually something of a messiah to desperate, overweight American housewives. The thought troubled me. I was so troubled that I just couldn't shake Simmons' faux-sensitive visage from my mind.

Still, I was bizarrely entranced- perhaps it was the maligned mini-shorts or my obsession with phony people with pubic hair resting on the cranium, passed off as a hairstyle. There was something hypnotic here, my hypnotic urge to waste my life watching trash TV and woeful celebrities.

Suddenly, he was everywhere: popping up on good-natured shows like "Sally Jesse Raphael", preventing me from enjoying smelly hicks butchering the english language on daytime TV. Instead, I had to endure the sight of a grown man blubbering like a big fucking baby just because some specimen of white trash couldn't shed his/her weight. It's a tough world, sure, but not tough enough that we need Richard Simmons populating it.

My pseudo-fascination dimmed. It seemed that TV bosses had decided Richard was just too tasteless. Even in a TV world where fussy gay men can become heroes just by getting all antsy when people fuck with their precious peanut butter, Simmons was a joke too far. Or so I thought..

Then I saw IT. Richard Simmons' "Dreammaker", a show so vile and exploitative, it came across as either a work of great satire or the cheesiest TV show in history. Each day, Simmons would don his ultra-queer clothing, dance around a big plastic set and show video clips of him "making a difference" to America's obese. In a frizzy nutshell, Simmons was presenting himself as some sort of prophet, bringing joy to people, who, as our very own Dave Macchia claimed "if they weren't fat, they'd still be ugly". Ugly television, all right, but offered in the most tasteless, manipulative and downright repugnant style possible: Simmons all fake tears and acted concern.


How does a queer fake an orgasm?! OMG LOL!!1

Thankfully, the TV gods plucked this work of pure, unremitting evil from the airwaves, but Simmons actually continued his career. He's still considered something a guilty joke, but as long as people continue to purchase his piss-poor informercial merchandise, believe his lies and keep him working, he doesn't care. A Z-Celeb still earns more money than you or I. The important question is, why are people this desperate? Maybe his books could reveal the appeal. Maybe his self-serving and shameful autobiography could shed some light. May....be.

Nah, I'm too lazy to venture these intricate journalistic routes. Maybe I'd just check out his website and rip him apart.

Richard Simmons, I'm coming to get you!



Introduction

If you hadn't figured it out yet, Richard makes it fairly clear: he is 100% fruitcake. One glance at his website will confirm that. Campy, overblown and packed with nauseating sections, the site is an assault on common decency. Made to look like a community, it is actually more of an insult than a source of comfort to its users. The site is unique because while it claims to help fat people, there's something ironic about making an entire online community for them to peruse. Nothing gets in the way of social interaction and exercise like spending a lot of time on the internet. Is it really worth losing a few pounds whilst simultaneously dropping more than a few I.Q points? Hey, that's an awesome marketing strategy - lure fat people, promise you can make them lose weight and be happy, then when you've stupified them sufficiently, they'll buy any old crap you're willing to sell. Perchance this site IS good for fat people. Let's see what Rich and his crack staff offer:

Once upon a time, this young, vibrant, most happy fellow came to Los Angeles because it was a place where everyone was exercising!

Substitute "young, vibrant and most happy" for "frizzy, ridiculous and most homosexul" and you might be closer to the target. Take "exercising" to mean "artificial" or "fucked up and sexually ambiguous". Hey, this encapsulates the entire Hollywood scene!

He went from studio to studio, and he found everything was pretty serious back in the mid-seventies.

"Studio to studio" is gay slang for "rectum to rectum", "pretty serious" meaning "pretty loose".

He opened up a place on the other side of the tracks in Beverly Hills two-and-a-half decades ago!

A gay brothel. You don't exactly associate Beverly Hills with being downtrodden. "The other side of the tracks" probably refers to the homosexual zone.

He took his name "Simmons" and added an "L" to make "Slimmons", and sweat was born!

a)Because he's incredibly unoriginal and (b) Because he's a mischievous little pervert.

He made sure that everyone was welcomed and hugged and heard.

Or humiliated, ripped off and manipulated for his own gain.

Through his Project Me motivational classes and love of movement and music and smiles, he developed fitness and fun for everyone!

In other words, he drugged people and molested them.

Slimmons is my baby.

In that it spews a lot, reeks of shit and makes zero sense. Hopefully it grows up to be straight and worthwhile, unlike its father.

It has helped so many people; I cannot begin to tell you.

Of course you can't, because the first part of the sentence is a lie, and it's hard to explain a blatantly false statement.

There are so many of you who plan trips to come to Los Angeles to sweat with me and the Slimmons gang!

Which proves the old adage that the internet is full of depraved, reprehensible individuals.

My staff and I teach people to eat right, exercise, and keep a positive mental attitude, and we all live happily ever after.

Well, if you can earn an obscene amount of money and fame just by telling fat people to "cut out the junk food", "exercise more" and "love yourself", you WOULD be laughing all the way to the bank.



Messages from Richard!

You do expect your fair amount of lies and self-promotion on these celebrity websites, but Simmons actually doesn't hire someone to talk him up. He does it all on his own. Yep, a celebrity sad enough to spend all his spare time trolling on the internet. He even produces a daily update, a feature that is as absurd as it is pointless. You'll see what I mean:

NUTRITIONAL PUNCH 2/2/2002
Hello, hello, and happy Saturday to you!

Prepare yourself for the invasion of hyperbole and phony gestures.

I love to read, and one of my favorite magazines is "Time".

I'm sure he's exactly the demographic they're after.

My mother and father always had one on the coffee table in the living room.

That's an unnecessary, mind-blowing and frankly DISGUSTING revelation. Obviously, when they "had one on the coffee table" one fateful day, the coffee granules and spare sugar blended with Senior Simmons' tadpoles to create a monster: a sub-par, self-parodying fitness guru.

I can honestly say that after reading it, I always felt more intelligent!

1) The adverse effect to what we're experiencing right now.
2) That intelligence shines through!

Well, I picked up the new "Time", and they talked about wonder foods that can keep you healthy,

I must remember to buy that new edition of "Time" - the one that talks whenever you pick it up.

so I thought we`d touch upon some of them today!

No need to be pervy - a warning that's probably come a little too late. Yet he continues the very next day:

SUCCESS ON THE ROAD! 2/3/2002

Well, I'm back in LA and at home finally! I love to travel, but Dorothy says it so perfectly "there`s no place like home!"

Is there any doubt that this guy is a complete, unabashed fruitcake? And to think he once had the nerve to deny his homosexuality.

My journey began earlier this week doing "The View"

A new sexual position for homosexuals that's all the rage.

I was so happy that my friend Dimitra was in the audience!

Obviously wearing shameless, mega-flaming costumes and pretending to be considerate to a bunch of overweight desperates is something you'd like your friends to witness.

I`m a very good friend of her daughter, Maria, and what a grand day it was when I first met Dimitra!

Yeah, he'd just ripped off and brainwashed more people and he finally found those lucky spotted short-shorts.

She has now lost 80 pounds, and I looked at her the whole time I was on "The View”!"

80 pounds is enormous to you and I, but it's probably just another roll of fat for "Dimitra" - equivalent to the weight of a fingernail.

She`s one of the most intelligent women I`ve ever met, and she`s taught me a great deal.

How to act sincere, how to look unsightly and the amazing revelation that, 90% of the time, you can lose weight if you want to.

Then when I got to Albany, I met a most wonderful lady named Michelle.

The sincereity and genuine emotion is just...blinding.

"I love EVERYONE!"

It was the first time I`d met her, and we just hugged and hugged and hugged!

"Then I told her that she was a whale and needed to spend $1000 just so I could tell her how to lose weight!"

She had pictures in her hands that she wanted to show me.

Incriminating evidence of that time you fondled the retarded kids, perhaps?

"Richard, here is a picture of me at my highest,

Cool, a drug subtext.

and now I`ve lost 194 pounds thanks to your FoodMover and your videos!"

Because they're just so vile and vomit-inducing, you cannot look at food again.

Her eyes were so bright, and her smile went on forever!

She must have been HUGE.

I asked her to come on stage and exercise with me, and boy, oh boy, Michelle was a bundle of energy!

A sex show involving a campy gay man and some marshmallow woman? I think I've just experienced Richard's "foodmover".

I got to meet her son, and he told me how very proud he is of his mom.

Before or after you fisted him?

Then I took a plane to Indianapolis, and the minute I got off the plane, I met a flight attendant who pulled one of my videos out of her bag.

Have you ever met a male flight attendant who was straight? Oh, wait, this was a woman? What woman in her right mind has ever subscribed to anything endorsed by this little clown? He's America's favorite laughing stock.

"I take it with me everywhere, Richard! It is my salvation! I`ve lost 62 pounds, and I`ve never felt better!"

Who would have thought that losing 62 pounds could make you feel better about yourself? Tickle me pink and call me stunned.

I then checked into the Omni Hotel in downtown Indianapolis, and who did I meet but this lady who was getting married that evening at the hotel! She began crying before she could get a word out!

Meeting Richard Simmons on your wedding day is one of those sick tricks that would produce years of mental scarring and horrible memories. After all, your wedding day is supposed to be a happy time - bumping into a fruity, insincere little wanklord would put an end to those plans.

"Richard, I`ve lost 117 pounds, and tonight I will proudly walk down the aisle in a size 8 dress!"


"There's only one thing in the whole world I could possibly wish for!"

.........
.........


"Do you like the Wizard of Oz?! Wanna try my Special Protein diet?"


She invited me to the wedding. I had absolutely nothing to wear, but I wished her well.

Sleeveless T-Shirts and the pink lycra collection aren't too popular at social gatherings - or in accepted heterosexual environments.

Then I taught a class at the Indianapolis Home Show on Saturday afternoon and met Terri who has lost 80 pounds and Phil who has dropped 141!

Does he meet anyone who hasn't lost weight? Is his destiny to be surrounded and revered by a bunch of inept hippos? What sort of class could he teach? How to look grotesque and shameless? How to embarrass yourself and the entired homo community, nay, HUMANITY? Or maybe he's teaching people that selling a well-known regime as some sort of secret, while acting like a revved up gay stereotype, can actually make you rich and (in)famous.

So these are the memories I bring back to share with you. Please know that you can do this, too, and please know that I`m thinking of you!

Both frightful notions for varying reasons.

Love,
Richard



Member benefits

You'll be amazed to learn that Richard is also a con-man in his online form. He actually charges his readers money for the better features on his site. Yep, there's much more than lies, propaganda and campiness on offer here:

And you get all this for just $9.95 per month! - With the first WEEK FREE!

Wow, what an amazing and stultifying offer! Get my credit card and fluffy slippers! This offer is so good, I'm going to TYPE IN CAPS!

Joining my "Lose Weight and Celebrate CLUBHOUSE" will give you all the tools you need to change your lifestyle and LOSE THE WEIGHT YOU WANT TO LOSE...whether it's 5 lbs., 50lbs., 100lbs. Or MORE!

Better ways to spend money and easier ways to lose weight. I'd rather be a slug than encourage this cretin any more. Hell, take one look at his super-slim staff and tell me you'd pay these people money to motivate you:


Beebop and Rocksteady!



RICHARD SIMMONS: THE BIO!

What of the man himself? What makes him tick? Is he really beyond redemption? Set your brains to "stunned":

For over twenty-five years, he has had the unique ability to deliver a serious message through laughter

Serious message: shake your booty!

to millions of Americans via videos, personal appearances, daytime and late night television appearances, infomercials and books.

Because there is no better transmission for serious messages than the land of informercials.

Because of this, Richard Simmons has become the nation's most revered fitness expert.

Wrong, he's become the nation's most REVILED "fitness expert". Hell, if telling fat people to bounce around makes you a fitness expert, bullying must be a considered a revolutionary fitness regime.

Born and raised in New Orleans, Simmons prevailed over his own weight problem

The weight of being unrealistically camp, insincere and talentless.

before relocating to Los Angeles in 1973.

Read: he was forced out by straight New Orleans' men who were tired of having their asses pinched.

There was no significant fitness movement in this country at the time,

Probably because Disco Fever was in full swing, baby.

and to no avail, Simmons attempted to find a health club that wasn't for people who were already in shape.

In other words, they used ANY excuse to refuse him admission.

In 1974, after consulting with doctors and nutritionists to ensure the safety of a program he tailored to the needs of the overweight, a determined Simmons established an innovative place where the overweight of the world were welcome with open arms.

The Internet?

This program was met with instant success.

And instant idiocy.

This unrivaled success continues today at SLIMMONS in Beverly Hills, where Richard still leads aerobic classes each week.

What a revolutionary concept!

Simmons' success as a fitness expert and advocate led to numerous local and national television and radio appearances,

What was he advocating? Campy garb and stereotypically gay behavior?

and in the mid-70's, Simmons began a four-year run on "General Hospital".

There was no Nathan Lane back then. Also, nice to see he was a SERIOUS fitness expert. Not exploiting his position much?

Following that, Simmons hosted "The Richard Simmons Show", a nationally syndicated, Emmy Award-winning series that ran for four years.

Nice to see that television was just as highbrow back then.

Following the run of his own network television show, Simmons created two of the most successful weight-loss programs ever: Deal-A-Meal and FoodMover.

One involved eating a peanut a day, the other involved removing said peanut with a coat hanger. The weight just FLEW off. Christina Aguilera bought both.

Simmons has continued to find unparalleled success with the marketing of his products

Unparelleled success doesn't necessarily denote that he was successful. Plus, with the shameless way he markets, having one person buy the product could qualify as unparelleled.

in infomercials and on QVC, where he has sold over 27 million units of his products over the past 15 years, beginning with his "Sweatin' to the Oldies" infomercial which debuted in 1986.

I'd prefer not to think about "Sweatin' to the Oldies" or its possible connotations.

Currently you can see Simmons' 14th infomercial for his "Lose Weight and Celebrate" program

The sequel to "Buy my products, look stupid, slit your wrists!"

, which features a trio of original videos chock full of Broadway classics such as "Tomorrow" from "Annie", "To Life" from "Fiddler on the Roof", and "Luck Be A Lady" from "Guys and Dolls" as well as 17 others.

This fucker needs to be taken down. Now!

One of the greatest attributes of Simmons' success is his ability to meet the changing needs of his audience.

Translation: whatever the fad, Simmons will find some way to manipulate you.

Over the past 25 years, Simmons has released more than 30 videos.

Each one an embarrassment to the human race.

This fall, he will release his three newest videos: "Platinum Sweat", a low-impact workout featuring participants 53-86 years young; "Sudor Mucho", a Spanish Language video featuring well known Latin tunes; and "Sit Tight", a workout done entirely from a chair aimed at the millions of people with chronic back pain, MS, Muscular Dystrophy, and other afflictions. In addition to the four-video "Sweatin' to the Oldies" series, you can also find other popular Simmons' videos such as "Disco Sweat", "Dance Your Pants Off", "Groovin' in the House", and 16 other titles at major retailers nationwide.

I can see about twenty crimes against society in this paragraph alone. Molestation, ripping off the old, false advertising.....

As the author of nine books, including the New York Times Best Seller, "Never Say Diet",

Yeah, "Never Say Diet". Just say "Gee, Richard, here's more of my money for doing nothing for me!"

Richard released his autobiography, "Still Hungry - After All These Years" in 1998.

That was a title change. Originally, it was called "Still Fruity, Dishonest and Grotesque- After All These Years". Apparently, Rosie O' Donnell owned the rights to that name.

He is also the author of 3 best-selling cookbooks.

He tells you how to make tubesteak swimming in short-shorts!

Additionally, this year Simmons will be leading his 17th Cruise to Lose program aboard Carnival Cruise Lines.

And charging an unseemly amount of cash for the privilege. Forced tears don't come cheap, you know.

The seven-night excursion, the only one of its kind on the high seas, treats cruisers to a daily regimen of exercise, motivation, and nutrition.

With humiliation, uninvited hugging and ass-slapping added for free.

Recognizing that his audience spans all across America, Simmons averages some 300 days on tour each year. Whether it be a women's expo, a nursing home, a high school, children's hospital, a shopping mall, a corporate seminar, or sales meeting,

No-one can escape the threat of bite-sized, energized gay men!

Simmons considers himself fortunate to come face to face with hundreds of thousands of people each year.

Considering he should have been impisoned, or at least institutionalized, years ago.

Whether it be at an airport, a hotel, a restaurant, or a parking lot, those who feel they "know" him never hesitate to approach him,

To tell him what a moron he is and/or slap him in the teeth.

usually in search of encouragement.

"Richard, should I kill myself?"

Simmons, who lives by the words of his father, Leonard, "Richard, know no strangers", never disappoints.

Unless his father's words were "Shame me as much as possible by acting like a complete pansy in femme get-up", this statement is a blatant lie.



With so many diets and so many options, what do you choose? Well, you could choose to starve, choose to eat nothing but fish, choose fruit and veg, choose to eat what you desire or choose to hang yourself by the ears. Hell, choose anything you wish. Butl let me save you an absolute fortune, disappointment and broken dreams. The only diet that is relatively sure-fire:

Eat well, exercise often. You don't need a shyster like Richard Simmons controlling your mind. Take control of your own life.

And for God sakes, if you must subscribe to a diet, stay away from anything that an infant could devise. Well, anything that's whored on Public Access Television, at any rate.

Stay away!

Paul
paul@whatever-dude.com
AOL IM: paulwdfans



HATE MAIL:

Let's see what horrible things are wished upon my poor, Irish soul this week (my comments in regular font):

Numero Uno: More Chyna hate press!

excuse me. (Nice Start) my name is nicole and i just wanna comment on ur peice of fucking shit article. (Would you like to narrow it down a bit? Having said that, I don't recall writing an artice about excrement or, as Nicole so eloquently phrases it, "ur peice of fucking shit article") yeah it sucked. (Sweet of her to underline the point. I was starting to believe we had a future)do you know how long joanie has spent on her body. (No, but I know she's spent a considerable amount of MONEY getting that sex-change op and wasted a few dollars just to end up looking arguably more repulsive!) i just met her today and she is the most gorgeous person in the whole world. (Have you met every person in the world? Has the meaning of "gorgeous" beeb altered in these oh-so-cynical times?) she is the nicest girl and oh my gosh you've got BALLS to say that. (To say what? And thanks for acknowledging my genetic make-up. Sometimes, on cold days, I couldn't even claim I have BALLS) you know it really pisses me off when people talk shit about beauttiful people. (I agree. Ripping on ugly, talentless people is different though) you should really think twice because joanie isn't here to defend herself right now so she can't touch you. (If she touched me, I'd file for psychological distress) but that was one ignorant article. (Agreed. I ignored her woeful attempts at gaining fan support) yeah i admit..i looked at her like she was a man (That's obligatory) but OH MY GOSH how WRONG could I have EVER been? (You're SO wrong now. So wrong to use this retina-damaging green font, horrible grammar and BIG CAPS!)I was blind. (When you claimed she was gorgeous? Ah, it's starting to make sense now!) I've looked up to Chyna (Joanie Laurer) for 4 years (My sympathy is understood) and you have major MAJOR balls to write that. (Disturbed by the number of references to BALLS. Are you being ironic, since you're defending someone who has had her/his balls removed. I also like how you say I have major major balls. No, not just balls, nor even major balls. I have major major balls. Writing-wise, I must have elephantitis) I suggest u smarten up becuz ur gonna get a cruel awaking when I write up an article about dumbass jerks like yo! u. (I hope it's as on-target and highbrow as this retarded tantrum - "u suxored jirk!1") <Sorry if I offended you (Well, the fucking green font has scarred me for life) but that was very rude (so you're apologizing?) and I want you to know that, my feelings.(Hopefully your feelings are a little more articulate in your own head)

Nikki
vjenniferlopezv@aol.com


Number two: The Breakfast Club

hey i am danielle and i just read your site on the breakfast club (You'd be amazed how many people confuse an article topic for an entire SITE) and i am appalled (well, at least you keep your disgust confined to small font) i just dont think u get man (I don't. I'm straight. Why the doubts?) or maybe u do u just dont care (I try to dress straight now. Trust me, I care) it is not all about surprises or loud bangs (No, there has to be an element of fore-play) or deep and profound understanding of the fucking world we live in it (Wow, Dr Ruth has written me back!) i am sure we get it it all about hey you arent the only one yeah i hated the allison part (Oh, The Breakfast Club? I'm still lost) we she got all prettied up but hey maybe deep in the heart of many their is a need to conform let face
it conformity is easy and sweeter but not true but one has got to be able to understand why one would at least desire to conform if not actually go with it
(What. The. Fuck. Deep breaths and full-stops!) and bender did not change and if u think he did good cuz he was cynical (At least he was sane, unlike this ramble) way too young the breakfast club is the best movie of all times (I'm certain this isn't a member of the writer's guild) so to act childish and silly i leave u with this: whatever dude (I agree. To act childish and silly: whatever dude. To complete a thought in a rational order: whatever dude. I can't begin to explain how many use the "whatever dude" line to offend us. "Oh no, hit me back with the name of our site! I'm so offended!")

dyg345@hotmail.com

Number three: Seagal fans attack

Paul: For a guy who dislikes Seagal and his films, you've obviously seen all of them. (Am I THAT disturbed?) If you don't like them, why don't you just keep your mouth closed, (Because the ones I have seen are so detrimental to human sanity that I feel it's my duty to warn any innocent parties. Call it a public service, honey)thus you won't get humilated and brought down in self esteem and worth. (So, by that argument, if I praise Steven Seagal, my confidence will shoot through the roof?) It's funny how just because you perceive things as one way, then that must mean that Seagal accomplished nothing in his over ten year career. (It's called "hard evidence". Hey, if the hat fits) Not like it matters, but a few quick facts, so you can sleep better at night: (FINALLY, he's going to tell me the true story about "Different Strokes")

*Seagal had a number of hit movies. If you got the time to type this **** up, you can take the time to glance at some of his past grosses. (The xxxx self-censoring is very xxxxxxx cute) Siege may have been his biggest hit (Read: his ONLY hit), but he had alot of hit movies. (Nope, you're mistaken. You've missed a letter there. It's spelled s-h-i-t.) You have to look at their budgets and then at the profits. (Yeah, the budgets were low because no-one in their right mind would hand money over to this talentless ape)

*Nobody ever said Seagal was a great actor, (I'll take "What is an obvious statement?" for $250, Alex) but for the roles he has done, he acts fine for what is asked of him. (Agreed, only if he's asked to look like an idiot trying to squeeze out a shit) Of course he could act better, but then again, every action star could act better. (Then why not? Is he saving himself for Broadway?) They can only act about as good as a script will allow them to. (Not necessarily) Losers like you who criticize (Wow, two paragraphs in and he's already using the hurtful zinger), can't do any better (I'm sure I could). How many movies have you starred in, besides your gay home movies with your father? (Well, there was that one with the horny priest and the holy water, not to mention the one where the nurse held me upside down and spanked me repeatedly. No, wait, those were just old home videos! Point is, my old home videos probably show a broader range of talent than any pap Seagal could put out)

*Every star has their vanity projects and walks around like they own the world. (Note the qualifier... "Stars") That's what being a star is all about, even if it isn't always the most enduring trait. (I thought being a star involved lying and using every human you know) Seagal is no more guilty of this than any other action star. (Willis, Stallone, Arnold, etc.) (except he doesn't have an f'n iota of talent of starpower)

*Finally, your worthless statement that you finally found someone with less worth than Don Johnson. (I guess it was worthless. Too obvious, really) DJ has been acting for years, (that's his excuse) has made alot of money from various movies, and two successful T.V. shows. (That doesn't negate the fact that's he's basically worthless) Before you knock somebody, why don't you check their track record. (I did. That's why I'm knocking them)

I suspect you're some dateless virgin, (Would you like to use a lifeline? 50/50?) who has way too much time on his hands (guilty as charged). Why even type this **** up, little man? (I presume xxxx means "truth") Like anybody cares what one little **** stain thinks. (It's got your feathers ruffled, sweetie!) Opinions vary, and if you don't like Seagal, then fine. ( Yeah, I'll join 98% of the population who also despise him) I don't like alot of actors that other people love. (And defend an "actor" who is universally loathed) It's a free country. (Thank you) What I find funny is you have a site. (Yeah, hysterical) Maybe you should invite all of your friends (2 on last count)on there and they too can educate the world with their fortune cookie wisdom. (I'm touched by your wit and ribald humor! A/S/L?)

You sound like a little whining bitch who is bringing up old information, and caring way too much about what Seagal has done or will do. (Nah, I just had fun making fun of an easy target) If you don't like him, then don't see his movies, limp **** . If his site is so bush league, then why did you go to it? (A reader asked me to go there and make fun of it. I obliged) What, the under sixteen bisexual chatroom was full? (I'm sure it was. Bustling place like that) Get a ****ing life, kid. (Sure, pops) Nobody wants to hear you whine and cry because mommy won't let you wear her lipstick again. (That's two references to pedophilic family life. Sounds like someone has a few issues to resolve) Feel free to try and come back, but I wouldn't advise it. Others have tried, and failed very
miserably.
(You certainly failed very miserably to offend me in the slightest)

seagal_rocks@hotmail.com

And there's MORE:

Dear Paul,

I think you are the lowest scum of the earth. (Whoo, quite the charmer, eh?) What the fuck gives you the fucken right to trash someone you don't even know? (Hmm, hypocrisy much? "Don't trash people you don't know, you stupid person I don't know!") You are a dumbshit, doosh-bag, dog crap, horse fucking asshole, and I hope that when you die, you slip into the seventh circle of hell. (Let me just digest all these insults. God, I just love constructive feedback. Hey, I'm getting the vibe we won't be running hand-in-hand along the beach anytime soon?) You can kiss my ass, and eat my shit, (Think I'll decline that generous and courteous offer) because the way you're going, your going to take it up the ass from your prison bitch. (You get jailed for criticizing Seagal?)

And, whats with giveing shit to Michael Jackson? (What? I wasn't aware he was up to his old "shit-taking" antics) He has more talent in his thumbnail than you have in your entire fucked up body. (I'm getting misty)

You are an ass licking, butt fucking piece of shit, and I hope you die a slow painful death. (So, I diss Seagal and you wish this cruel fate upon me? How mean!)

Have a nice day, mother fucker! (They should put this whole e-mail in a greeting card)

Love Michelinman (I love you, too!)

michelinman1@hotmail.com

More to come!




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