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Yard Sale, and All Associated Mullets

posted by Emerson on 10/01/01

Soundtrack for this piece of boredom-relieving drivel(listed in the order my Winamp shuffles them. This list will be kind of long, as it takes me 45 hours to write):

1.) Notorious B.I.G. feat. Bone Thugz -N- Harmony -- Notorious Thugz
2.) D12 -- Fight Music
3.) Red Hot Chili Peppers -- Love Rollercoaster
4.) Mystikal -- Danger
5.) System of A Down -- Chop Suey
6.) Norm MacDonald -- Fucked Up On Letterman
7.) Haddaway -- What Is Love(GAH!!!)
8.) Beastie Boys -- Sabotage
9.) Faith No More -- Epic
10.) Beastie Boys -- Girls
11.) Bubba Sparxxx -- Ugly
12.) Dire Straits -- Romeo and Juliet
13.) Incubus -- Pardon Me
14.) At this point I turned off Winamp and started listening to the commentary track of the Mallrats DVD. :)


And so the time has come to leave my small, well, modest-sized hometown (Somerset, KY, Pop. 15,000) and head to the bright lights and big city of...err...Terre Haute, IN. It'll be nice to get out of what is technically the South, even though everyone I've met in Indiana talks like, well, like they're from Kentucky. I shouldn't have been all that surprised, I mean, what was I expecting them to talk like?


Weemeen pey mee to geeve theem pleezure. Now tickle me!!11

Now that we're (who's 'we'? you got a turd in your pocket? Me and my girlfriend, thilly!) moving, we came to realize that not everything is going to fit in the new apartment, much less the rental truck. So we decided we would have to do what no one wants to do with their things...

The Yard Sale


"Hey! These diapers done got shit in'em! Uhhh...I'll give ya a quarter?"

I swear to you, my good readers, Saturday I saw people that could very well have been their own father. Living on the street in town which had the most thru traffic, I fully expected to be overrun with plenty of just-paid townsfolk. However, I wasn't overrun at all. The few people who did show up to check out my pitiful wares? Well, let's just say that when they eat dinner, their forks and knives have corks on the end.


Hey, that ain't no chicken wing!!11

The best part about having a yard sale is not making money. Oh no, that comes second, right after conversing with the retardedly inclined, a.k.a. the consumer. Immediately following this paragraph is a list of questions I received during the 5 hours I sat outside on my porch, smoking cigarettes, reading the new SPIN magazine, and minding my own business while hairy people in overalls looked, fondled, and broke my precious possessions. Also included are the "Answers I should have given" followed by the answer I actually gave.

Question: "You live here?"

Answer I should have given: "No, I just like to throw my old shit in other peoples' yards and play "Mullethunter."

Answer I gave: "Yup."

Question: "Boy that sure shore is hot today, ain't it?"

Answer I should have given: "Yeah, and here I thought we were gonna get some of that Cold Sun they were talking about on TV."

Answer I gave: "Yup."

Question: "Hey boy, how much is this here?"

Answer I should have given: "THE GODDAMNED PRICES ARE MARKED ON THE INDEX CARDS IN FRONT OF EVERY ITEM YOU BLIND OLD COOT!"

Answer I gave: "*Sigh*.......a quarter."

So for 5 hours of my life, and a lot of shit I didn't really need, I earned roughly in the neighborhood of $50. When you factor in that everything cost between a dime and a quarter...that's a lot of shit to unload. Next came the task of picked up the Penske rental truck, which was a mere 20 feet long, plus had a trailer hitched to it. If you had needed some humor last Tuesday, you need only have situated yourself on U.S. Highway 27 between Stanford, KY and Somerset, KY. Surely you would have seen me driving by in the monstrosity I have just described, no doubt screaming, cursing, and crying. It was not easy to drive that big sumbitch. In fact, it was the opposite of easy. It was hard. OMG HE SAID HARD!!!111


"Damn, dawg, that's one big yellow truck, yo!"
"Not as yellow as these pants, G!!11 Let's go to Hot Topic and figure out a way to look MORE like douchebags!"

It took us a mere 5 or so hours to load the truck. I've already decided that should I ever move again, I'm taking whatever can fit in my Jeep and leaving the rest behind. Shit is too heavy, yo. Following the load-up was the actual drive itself, which was pulled off pretty much to perfection. How I managed to drive a nearly 30-foot-long vessel seven hours through towns, down narrow-ass streets, and in-and-out of gas stations is beyond me, but it was pulled off. Some of those streets were so narrow, it looked like Nelly Furtado trying to pass a yellow-trashbag-wearing-Missy Elliot through her colon.

Then, after a short couple of hours of unloading and putting things in place, it was bedtime. Bedtime rules.

Fast forward a couple of days, we head over to the License Branch to get our KY driver's licenses switched over to Indiana ones. When I took Maggie to do this back home, they just took a picture and handed over the new license. However, here in Indiana, a.k.a. State Of Ass-Backwardness, we had to take the written test all over again. Now, when I was 16, a whopping 6 years ago, I took a simple 15 question written test and got my permit. 15 Questions, no biggie. Well, here in Indiana, where they'll obviously give ANYONE a license because not one single motherfucker on the roads can drive for SHIT, by the way, the written test is a mere 50 QUESTIONS LONG. You can miss four questions and pass. Anything else is a failure, come back the next day and try again.

Yeah, I failed the fucking thing.

Another thing, these women at the DMV are total bitches, and I've figured out why. At normal places, you can't just be as snotty as you want to the customer, because then you lose business. But, if the customer is required by law to come through your place of employment no matter what, then you can be mean as shit to them. I think one should be allowed to open up a licensed business to compete with DMV-type places. Maybe if there was some competition, they wouldn't be such bitches.

I'm looking for a job now, and while I need steady income, I don't really want to settle for factory work, or the first thing that comes along. Basically, I don't want to be tired all the time, and I want something that'll allow me some free time, as working an 11-hour shift doesn't leave much time to get chores done. I interview tomorrow for some job, I'm not quite sure what it is, but the place works with charities and such, and I would be calling people to see if they would like to donate to one of various charities. I don't work on commission, and there's no being pushy to it, so it's not telemarketing by any stretch of the imagination. Whatever, sign me up. Not having money means I haven't had a cigarette in over a day and I'm about to snap. I'm almost to the point of giving sexual favors for a job.


*Is W-D's own Dave keeping his hands to himself? The answer is in the top left corner.*

So now I'm settled in, so obviously that means it's time for a W-D House Party!!!111


W-D staff members Dave, B, Emerson, and Jen chill out and wonder where Fillipo and Paul went with those japanese schoolgirls

In closing, kids, I know you may not like where you are, but remember, sitting on your ass and doing nothing beats moving furniture. Yeah, that's pretty much the only lesson I have for you today. Tune in later this week when I write about how Saturday Night Live never stopped being cool and/or funny, including my all-time Top 10 All-Star cast list. Hopefully I will be online sometime this week, unfortunately it'll be through the dial-up/AOL account combo. I hate my life. Peace out!

~Emerson
AIM: DEmersonWD
All of W-D's camgirls naked!




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