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David Silver... The Man, The Myth, The Legend (Part Two of Two)

posted by Dave on 9/28/01

When last we left our hero, David Silver, he was just getting ready to embark on his college career at the fictitious California University. Well, he made the worst possible move and decided to move into the Beach apt. with his girlfriend Donna and his step-sister Kelly. While at the time, it seemed like a pretty good idea… because let’s face it… the beach apt. was a pretty sweet pad… and what better way to get into your virginal girlfriend’s untainted drawers… than by living in the room next door to her. I mean, let’s say hypothetically, one night he was feeling a little “special” and decided to play a little game of “Beat the Clock”… Well, if he moaned loud enough, maybe Donna would walk into his room to see what’s wrong. Then she would have seen what David was doing… and he could have slyly said, “Hey baby.. why don’t you be a chum and finish me off.”. Or at least that’s what I would have done… but I’m psychotic, so take everything I say with a gram of coke… errr.. I mean… grain of salt.


”My name is Stone Cold Brian AUSTIN Green. What?!? Look at ya.. You’re pathetic!! What?! What!?!?!”

Well, David never could make it as a wise man.. and he couldn’t cut it as a poor man stealing…. So his decision to move in with the blonde bombshells (Where’s my five dollars, Aaron Spelling?).. wasn’t the smartest of moves. Not only was he living with his girlfriend… but they had gotten jobs together working as a DJ team during the graveyard shift at the college radio station. This spelled trouble for their relationship. I personally wouldn’t have been able to stand being in the same town as Donna nevermind living and working with her.

You know at the beginning of the season, that Brian Austin Green looked at the scripts… saw that his character and Donna would be working and living together… and thought to himself, “Thank God… we’re finally going to break up. Hey Aaron.. could we possibly have an incest storyline? Cause I want me some of that Jennie Garth stuff.”.

One afternoon, Donna was stopping by the radio station, the regular DJ was out sick…so the station manager had her fill in. She was such a smash hit that they decided to give her the afternoon time slot. Unfortunately, they didn’t want her partner David to co-host the show with her… so they kept him at the graveyard shift and gave Donna her own afternoon show… called, “Whoa! Nelly.”

David started doing speed in order to say up for his late-night shift... and his academics and relationship with Donna started to suffer. He also lost his baby sister Erin after crashing on a park bench while babysitting. Mel wasn’t too pleased with his son. Here’s a “W-D Exclusive Transcript” of a scene from that episode that ended up on the cutting room floor.

Scene 53: Silver Household

Mel: “Stupid, worthless, no good, God damned, freeloading, son of a bitch, retarded, bigmouth, know it all, asshole, jerk!”

Jackie: “You forgot ugly, lazy and disrespectful.”

Mel: “Shut up bitch! Go fix me a turkey pot pie!”

David: “What about you Dad?”

Mel: “Fuck you!”

David: “No, Dad, what about you?”

Mel: “Fuck you!!”

David: “No, Dad, what about you!?!?”

Mel: “Fuck you!!!”

End of Scene: 53


”Just cause I’m still on the show.. doesn’t mean I have to be happy about it.”

As David started to get more involved in the drug underbelly of C.U…. he ended up getting left holding the bag literally when his dealer got busted. As he sat in his apartment with a knapsack full of drugs… Dylan came over and saved the day by instructing young Silver to dump in all down the toilet before the cops showed up. Good ol’ Dylan… not only did he help David.. but he didn’t patronize him by saying, “Just flush it down the toilet, shithead. It ain’t rocket science!”. Luckily, they managed to get rid of all of the drugs right before the police showed up, knocking on the door, screaming, “I am the poleeeece!!! King Kong ain’t got NUTHIN ON ME!!!”. Some might say that this experience was David Silver’s “Training Day”.

Now that he was clean off of drugs… David resumed his music career and ended up booking Babyface to play at CU’s annual carnival. Well, he also met a young lady who worked for Babyface’s record label… by the name of Ariel… played by W-D fav, Kari Wuhrer. Ever since I first saw Kari Wuhrer on MTV’s Remote Control… she’s always given me that funny feeling. You know, the one where you just wanna see how many times you can masturbate in a day before nothing comes out anymore. Yeah right, like I’m the only one. David’s “working relationship” with Ariel led to what’s easily one of the funniest moments in the history of 90210. After the Babyface concert, in which David filled in admirably, for Mr. Face’s missing keyboardist… Ariel and David headed back to the limo in the parking lot to get down to uhh… “business”. Well, Donna being the complete imbecile that she is… tracks them down and knocks on the limo’s window. When David rolls down the window half-way.. Donna asks, “What are you guys doing in there? C’mon.. Let me in..” Then upon sitting down in the limo, Donna notices the open condom wrapper on the ground and makes a truly horrific face. More horrific than her normal one even. She then storms out of the limo and David and Donna’s breakup is complete.


Welcome the Kari’s Skeet Shooting… Pull!!

Now the truly classic thing is, not only did David get busted by Donna for fucking Ariel in the limo… he admitted to her that it wasn’t even the first time that the two of them had slept together. It seems that this is the exact moment when young Silver began coming into his own. He moved out of the beach apt… and once the chancellor’s daughter, Claire Arnold moved in and took his old room… David went back and got him some of that right in front of Donna’s face. Of course Donna was dating Ray “Smashing Pumpkins” Pruit… so she was a little too preoccupied with getting the shit beat out of her to even notice David and Claire’s relationship. Gotta love Ray.


”Alright… so I’ve finally reached the point where I find my still being here kinda comical.”

David and Claire eventually broke up.. and he began pining over Donna. It was at this point that Brian Austin Green decided to never smile again during an episode of 90210…. And really, who can blame him. I’d personally rather be forced to watch Carrot Top have sex with Kathy Griffin while Andy Dick dances a jig in the background… than have to “act” like I actually am smitten with a character played by Tori “Mother May I Sleep With Danger?” Spelling. Yes, Tori. Go sleep with danger. Please.

Later that year, David Silver got the shock of his life when he went to go visit his Mom up in Portland… and found that she was a crazy homeless woman living on the streets. Of course, Mel being the kind-hearted soul that he was, went up there to retrieve his ex-wife and immediately put her into shock therapy. Mel’s about as sweet as a package of Sour Patch Kids. Wow, that’s a lame joke.

David himself started to doubt his own mental sanity.. and just as he was about to jump off the cliff… there was Valerie Malone to talk him down. Of course, it wasn’t so much for the fact that she liked David… in as much as he was the only guy on the show she hadn’t done the “Freak Nasty!! (slap!!)” with. Of course, this pairing was fun to watch because Brian Austin Green and Tiffani Amber Thiessen had dated in real life for a few years before this. Of course, he dumped her once she got the boob job and the doctor accidentally increased the size of her skull to twice its Kelly Kapowski size.

Eventually, David and Val broke up because 90210 writers were so unoriginal, that at this point, they were taking plot lines straight from movies… and they decided to do an “Indecent Proposal” plot involving Val’s old friend Ginger wanting to sleep with David, in exchange for not telling the whole gang about some of Val’s evil mis-doings. David Silver, not content in being a boy toy.. dumped Val and began to concentrate on getting back together with Donna, who had just broken up with the most boring 90210 character EVER.. CU quarterback Joe “About as exciting as taking a shit that doesn’t break off quite right” Bradley.


”It’s easy to keep this schoolboy physique when you have to eat next to Tori Spelling everyday. She’d make even Delta Burke lose her appetite.”

With college graduation upon them… Donna decided that now was the time for her to give it up to her first love. After Kelly’s huge graduation party.. Donna went back to her apt… and set up a lavish room filled with candles, for her and Silver to consummate their relationship. When David walked in.. Donna started yelling at him, “You stole fizzy lifting drinks!! You get nothing!! Good day, sir!! I said, Good Day!!”… and David began to walk out… but then he decided to go back in and give her the everlasting Gobstopper back. Upon seeing his act of kindness, Donna spread her legs and said, “So shines a good deed in a weary world. Davey my boy! You won!! You did it! I knew you would!! I just knew you would!! Now come slip your meat pole in my “Wonkavator”. ;-)”.

Over the next few years, David and Donna had an on again off-again love affair that culminated with them getting married in the season finale. Earlier in the year, Donna’s father had a heart attack and died… and the second she asked Nat to be the one to walk her down the aisle in his absence.. all of America realized that the 90210 writers actually decided to kill off Dr. Martin, just to somehow involve Nat in the wedding. Cause let’s face it… nothing says “walk me down the aisle” quite like a megaburger.

Since 90210 went off the air, Brian Austin Green hasn’t exactly been very busy in the acting community. It’s a shame really, cause in my opinion he was the most underrated member of the 90210 cast. See folks, we here at W-D can actually say something nice every once in a while. We kid cause we love.

Dave
dave@whatever-dude.com
Whatever-Dude.com – The Maiden Voyage: “We just kissed two guys..”





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