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David Silver... The Man, The Myth, The Legend (Part One of Two)

posted by Dave on 9/25/01

Out of all of the main characters on 90210, I think it’s a pretty safe call that David Silver is the one who changed the most throughout the ten years of the show. He went from the freshman geek hanging out with his L.A. Laker hat wearing buddy Scott… to one of the vital members of the “gang”.

"Hey Brian... it's halftime. It's okay to take your helmet off."

He was also one of the few characters to show any continuity when it came to showing something remotely resembling a career “path”. Whereas Donna went inexcplicably from a girl that picked out the ugliest prom dress of all-time to one of the “hottest” young fashion designers in the country… or how Steve went from a go-getting wannabe agent-type to a pussy whipped Mr.Mom… David actually had some sort of continuity. From West Beverly’s morning DJ to aspiring musician to California University DJ to aspiring musician to late night DJ at the Peach Pit After Dark… David’s path at least made some sense.

Let’s take a chronological look at the evolution of David Silver, played by the irrepressible Brian Austin Green… or the Notorious B.A.G. as he was known to his friends. ( I have no idea if that’s true.. I just like to imagine that it is.) Along the way, I will try and throw in as many Mel Silver and Felice Martin references as possible… because let’s face it, you can never have too many of either of those. They’re kind of like glow-in-the-dark condoms that you might buy at a bowling alley.

“Those are fun even when you’re alone.” – Roy Munson

I have to date Tori Spelling this season? (put on the fake smile Brian.. c'mon put it on). There we go. Perfect.

When the show started out, Brian Austin Green was one of the few cast members to actually be believable as a high school student. I mean, Andrea looked old enough to be his mother… and biologically Gabrielle Carteris was actually old enough to be just that.. Of course you would have to suspend the laws of humanity for a minute and actually picture that there would be someone out there desperate enough to sleep with a teenage Carteris. For some reason, I’m thinking of Whatever-Dude’s own Paul right now. Way to go Paul.. You fucked Zuckerman.

Tangent one of this article

If you watch the old 90210 re-runs on FX… keep your eye out for the first season in which 90210 utilized the opening sequence with all of the cast members standing together in the white room... Right before the opening credits end, Gabrielle Carteris does this little “shimmy” that could be described as “dumb” if you were going to be nice about it. Me.. I’m not nice… so I’ll describe it as the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever seen.

End of Tangent

At the beginning of 90210, David Silver was the quintessential geek who wanted to improve his social status… solely so he could get in the ever luscious panties of a young Kelly Taylor, who he gleefully stalked with his AV club camcorder. While his friend Scott was content in being a loser, David aspired for bigger and better things. He made the ultimate sacrifice and started dating Donna Martin in an effort to become a member of the “gang”. He even tried to mask the embarrassment of being seen in public with Donna at an underground “rave”, by getting as drunk as possible.. or maybe it was just to mask the embarrassment of going to a “rave”, in which the only way to get the party’s location was to exchange an egg at a convenience store. This “rave” was also where Emily Valentine bought some euphoria off of the guy with a “4” on his shirt. I believe the dealer’s name was Reed Richards. (Seriously though.. how stupid was it that the euphoria dealer had a t-shirt with “4” on it… It would be like going out to a bar in NYC and seeing a guy with a t-shirt that reads “E-bombs: $20 Each”)

Austin, Austin baby. Too cold. Too cold.

While dating Donna got his foot in the door, it wasn’t until the playboy dentist of Beverly Hills himself, Dr. Mel Silver D.D.S. (Damn Damn Sexy) married Kelly’s mom, Jackie “Rolled Up Dollar Bill” Taylor… that David truly became a full-fledged member of the group.

Second tangent of the article

One of the most classic 90210 moments had to have been when Jackie Taylor was handling the emcee duties at the mother/daughter fashion show after blowing some lines in the bathroom. Her performance rivaled Samuel “Screech” Powers’ emcee performance at Lisa “Once you go amphibian.. you’ll never go back” Turtle’s fashion show at The Max on SBTB. He ripped Zack’s shirt off of him.. and the “laughtrack” didn’t even go “Ooooohhh!!!!” or “Whooooo!!!” as the SBTB “studio audience” was known to do at the drop of a hat.

Here’s an example:

Jessie: “Slater.. you’re such a pig!!!”
(“studio”audience: “Oooohhh!!!!”)

Slater: “Oh yeah.. well oink oink baby!!!”
(“studio”audience: "Whooo!!!!!”)

(people watching at home: “Why the fuck am I watching this?”)

End of tangent

After Mel married Jackie and David and Kelly became step-siblings.. David did what any normal teenager would do… he put on his headphones, started dancing through the hallway… and “accidentally” walked in just as Kelly was getting out of the shower. Kelly was disgusted because she knew that young Silver was going to have mental masturbation material for weeks. During that summer, with Scott away becoming a gun-toting root beer sippin cowboy.. and Donna off in France standing up for herself and telling her modeling agent that wasn’t a “baby”… David began his own little summer fling with the new girl in town, Nikki. Nikki was portrayed by Dana Barron who played Audrey in the original National Lampoon’s Vacation. She has what’s known as “Reverse Dog’s Disease” in which she seems to age one year for every other human’s seven.

Well… after Kelly walked in on a little make-out session between David and Nikki… he broke things off with her… and instead started to concentrate more heavily on his music career, allowing himself to be managed by Steve “Check out my Vette” Sanders. Sanders even hooked him up with a gig playing at the Beach Club… and David made the most of his opportunity by playing his hit song “Precious”.. and then following it up with an instrumental number where he hit the “Tango” button on the Casio keyboard and did quite a little dance routine. Cindy Walsh applauded.

Looking buff, Jared!!

Upon returning from the family ranch in Oklahoma, David’s best friend Scott played a little Polish roulette, in which you drop your gun and hope it doesn’t accidentally blow your head off. Scott lost. With Scott gone.. David didn’t have to worry about any dead weight (pun totally intended) holding him back from becoming a valuable member of the 90210 posse.

Later that year, Brandon would date Nikki… and you know that David had to be impressed by his growing status. I mean, Brand-o was dating his scraps for God’s sake. Of course, Nikki also dated a musician played by former WCW Champion David Arquette… so I think it’s safe to assume this girl would have dated Rocky Dennis if he showed up. “Nikki.. cotton balls are billowy.. and you.. are beautiful.".

David continued with his music career and eventually landed a recording contract… in which his producer, Serge Menkin (I remembered that off of the top of my head. Please.. somebody kick me in the balls now.).. wanted him to do a hip-hop flavored remix of Donna Summer’s “Love to Love ya Baby”. Well, his recording session coincided with Dylan’s father’s funeral.. so he ended up cutting the session short. It turned out that the record company hated his version of Donna Summer’s hit and decided to cut him loose. Serge Menkin was never to be heard from again..which was a shame.

David throughout all of this had gotten the notion in his head that he needed to double up on his classes during his junior year, so he could graduate with all of his “friends” who were a year above him. Now from a logical standpoint, it would have made a lot more sense to have David graduate a year behind the gang.. and only appear in handful of episodes during the gang’s freshman year of college… and appear at California U. the following year, thinking he was hot shit.. just cause he would have been the most popular guy in school based upon his association with the cool crew from the grade above his. Instead the writer’s took the easy way out and had David double up on his studies and graduate the same time as everybody else.

What exactly would I know though about writing a television show though. I mean, just last night I was pitching “Baker’s Dozen” to my girlfriend. It would be a show about a baker who goes on a two week whoring spree and gets twelve women pregnant at the same time. Hilarity would ensue. When she told me that she thought it was a disgusting concept, I replied that it would still be better than half of the shit on UPN. “What are we doin tonight?… Chillin.. or clubbin?? (shoulder bobs)”.

So David spent the majority of his senior year hitting the books hard.. and he was rewarded by having Donna spread them thighs and giving it up at their Prom. Waittaminute. Actually he was rewarded by having Donna drink four glasses of champagne (that Mel gleefully served the kids) and becoming very unrealistically drunk. (Seriously, if Tori Spelling is reading this.. you should be fucking ashamed of yourself for your performance in the Prom episode. Horrible. Simply horrible.).

As a “W-D Exclusive”, I’ve obtained a transcript of a conversation between Mel and David that wasn’t included when the show aired.

Scene: 42 – Silver Household

Mel: “So David.. did the champagne do the trick?”

David: “Actually, Dad. Donna got really drunk.. and ended up taking a dive right in front of Mrs. Teasley.”

Mel: “Oh that’s too bad. So did you get laid or what? The suspense is killing me. Can’t you tell by my show of emotion here?”

David: “Funny, Dad. Really funny. We both know you haven’t showed an emotion since the last time you saw Jimmie Walker say “DY-NO-MITE!!!” before Good Times went off the air.. No, I didn’t get laid. Any tips you wanna give me? I’m dying here. I’ve got balls like watermelons, I’m tellin ya. How do you get all the ladies, Dad?”

Mel: “Well, David. Have you ever wondered why I have that tank of laughing gas here at home?”

David: “I just figured it was in case of an emergency and you needed to do minor dental work on some patients that stop by the house.”

Mel: “Haha.. If I had the ability to laugh right now.. I would. Seriously, I just put that little mask over the ladies faces.. and next thing you know they’re hornier than a ten peckered owl.”

David: “A ten peckered owl? Did you watch Pump Up the Volume last night or something?”

Mel: “Yes, David. Yes I did. It’s a really underrated movie. I enjoyed the part where the “Eat me, Beat me Lady” sent that poem, in which she told Happy Harry Hard-on, “I know you.. not your name.. but your game.”.

David: “Annnyways. So your only recommendation to me is to use laughing gas?”

Mel: “Yep… As we playboy dentists like to say, “First you give’em the gas… Then you drill’em.. ;-)”

David: “Thanks for the advice Dad. Donna Martin graduates!!!”

Mel: “Donna Martin graduates!!!”

(end of Scene: 42)

(Coming later this week…)

In Part 2 of this expose’ on David Silver… we will take a look at David’s college and post-college life… and try and figure out the exact moment in which David “lost his smile”.

Dave The Maiden Voyage - “We’ve hurt people… maliciously!!”

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