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Celebrity Websites: Mandy Moore

posted by Paul on 9/24/01

Chart success is cyclical and fads (read:the shameless manipulation of the young and/or stupid) are never-ending. Music producers will stop at nothing to create the next big thing, an effort which rarely, if ever, yields impressive results or passable music. The cheesy assembly line never stops, and if one style of music or performer becomes a success, it's inevitable that there will be a slew of rip-offs just waiting to steal the proposed recipe. Take Britney Spears, for instance. Her "aww shucks" sexuality and cheesy schoolgirl pop struck a chord with impressionable teens and pervy old men the world over. Proving that selling sex in a naive package is a sure-fire winner, Britney went on to sell a heap of records, develop a strong and dedicated fanbase and impress many music critics, who realized that despite her cheesy and ultimately vacant lyrics, she possessed a certain charisma.

No sooner could you say "is that a new fad I smell?" when the bandwagon started to pick up pace. Christina Aguilera, a real-life, empty-headed, pea-thin Barbie Doll and one-time friend of Britney was the first to jump on. She was the alternative Britney, a clear bimbo whose strong vocal talents confirmed a natural singing talent. More clones followed, all aiming at the same market - horny teenage boys, idealistic teenage girls and slimy old men who need to get out more.

That's when Jessica Simpson and Mandy Moore, two of the more successful rip-offs, came to the fore. Moore, with her gangly frame and naive mole-cheeked appearance, was just fourteen when she graced the world with "Candy", a song about love and, well, missing people like candy (as you do). Her horrendous lyrics and cornball music videos suggested she might not even last five of the protracted fifteen minutes of fame, but somehow the world's ample supply of easily-led teenagers made Mandy a success, with impressive record sales and key appearances on such groundbreaking shows as TRL.

Mandy has stuck around longer than her talent deserves, released the typical dire fare and has even ventured into movie terrain. More worrying is the fact that she appears to grow two feet every year. More worrying still is that, despite all her limitations, she now has her own little ego stroking center on the web. The Celebrity Website. The place where second-rate performers can continue to delude themselves, and delude others into believing them.

Mandymoore.com

The first thing that hits you upon entering mandymoore.com (aside from the strong urge to press the "back" button) is just how derivative and by-the-numbers it is. Like the performer herself, the site is a virtual carbon copy of every teen singer's web shrine. You have your tried and tested (and utterly irrelevant) flash intro, which does nothing but slow down the loading time and sate the geeks who spend the time making these ultimately "skipped" introductions. The second thing that struck me when I hit the main page was how poorly designed it is. Granted, I shouldn't be within a reciprocal link's distance of this monstrosity, but even if I wanted to peruse the site I'd have a hard time finding where I want to go. Graced by a large, air-brushed image of Mandy Mole and a mass of text (asking me to VOTE MANDY ON TRL!111 and BUY MANDY'S KEWL NEW ALBUM!1), this site is a true eyesore. Thankfully, the section links lie at the top of the frame, so I decided to click on those (in lieu of intense nausea).....



Mandy's Bio.

I think I'll give the news section a well-advised miss, because how much fun can you really have at reading about Mandy standing as a chairperson and leaving silly little voice messages on Real Player? Exactly. The real gem is her bio, which for once is written in the first person. That's unique in itself, because most of these celebrities hire some lackey to inflate their already disproportionate egos:

I can hardly believe I'm making my third album already, but here I am in a Miami recording studio.

I think her surprise at lasting three albums is only matched by the general public's shock, confusion and absolute repulsion.

It's really fun this time around, because I feel like I have more "creative" input.

Yeah, as "creative" as songs about ripping wings off butterflies and the billionth song about finding teenage love allows you to be.

Basically, that means the record company is letting me be more involved in picking the songs

Basically, that means the record company hires boneheaded songwriters to pen ballads for her, and instead of dictating what this little manufactured monstrosity sings, they're actually letting her pick from a list. OMG, she's such an artist!

- and they're all songs I've fallen in love with.

What's the number for the Cliche police? Too late, she's already being charged for "crimes against hearing".

I'm also writing songs for the first time. It just seems natural.

By writing songs, Mandy does of course mean picking words that will rhyme with "love" and "heart" while some jackass devises cheesy guitar riffs. I don't think Billy Joel has anything to worry about with regards to Mandy's songwriting capabilities.

I made my first album when I was only 14, and it was all so new to me. But now I'm 16, and while I know I still have a long ways to go, I really feel like I've gotten into the groove.

She's a regular Tina Turner. Notice how many cliches she's throwing out here. This bio is so by the numbers, it's cringe inducing. Every one of these brainwashed teen artists will always remark about how much they've "matured" in the second/third album, and how they're omigosh writing their own tracks now. It's copy and paste PR bullshit, but the media buys it hook, line and sinker every single time.

What with touring, meeting so many people and getting exposed to all different types of music, I feel ready to do more of my own thing and branch out a bit.

I presume "do more of my own thing" means she'll continue to stand around looking decidedly awkward, smile inanely and pretend to laugh at jokes she'll never understand. Like the one about the naive little teenager who got used and abused by the cynical music industry. That one's always a classic.

Ever since I was 6, I knew I wanted to be a performer.

How deep. Also, how long before she releases an autobiography featuring baby pictures and insightful sentences like "Here's me kissing Joey Fatone. He's so sweet"?

I went to see the play Oklahoma!, and the girl on stage was having so much fun, and everyone in the audience was so entranced watching her.

It's called acting. Look into it.

I had this little karaoke machine in my room and I would stand on my bed belting out songs like "Wind Beneath My Wings."

What a disturbing mental image, and I'm sure if she had a grave, Barbara Streisand would be rolling around in it.

My parents thought it was just a phase, but after years of me begging them, they let me start singing lessons when I was 10.

They probably only agreed hoping that they could a) get her out of the house for a while and b)hope that rejection might set her straight. Sadly, they reckoned without the desperate music industry, which will present opportunities to any stick-thin, blonde haired teen singer with vocal skills that must be at least mediocre.

So I began doing musical theater and singing our national anthem at sports events in my hometown, Orlando, Florida.

This must have been that time when attendance rates at ballgames sunk to all-time lows.

That turned out to be huge for me. A couple of producers who had heard me sing at a game approached me, saying they wanted to work on songs with me.

Unlike the more hopeful scenario wherein a couple of producers approached her and told her to never even attempt singing again and how appalled they felt at her attempts.

It was so random - like, right place, right time. Next thing I knew, I was making a demo, which led to my record deal.

Wrong place for avid listeners of music, who have had to endure the disintegration/deterioration of MTV's output and the pollution of radio airwaves.

I had no idea where it would all lead-I was just so glad to have the opportunity to sing.

An opportunity she wasted quite laughably.

And when my first album took off, it was incredible, unbelievable:

Incredible=pathetic. Unbelievable=shambolic

Millions of people were listening!

And praying for a plague/virus to eradicate their eardrums.

As it turned out, both my albums, So Real and I Wanna Be With You, each went platinum, which means they each sold about one million copies.

Which goes to show that negative word of mouth and substandard product can't quite compete with record company politics.

But the truth is, I couldn't tell you exactly how many records I've sold (I think it's around 2.5 million), since I don't pay attention to chart numbers.

Yet all over her embarrassment of a website, the text "Mandy's new track debuts at number one" is plastered on virtually every page. I guess these people have so much bullshit inside their brains, they figure they should share some with an ungrateful public.

I know my first single "Candy" was a "hit" - but to me that just means a lot of people liked it.

This girl's clearly one of the greatest intellects of our time.

I guess the more people you can reach with your music, the better - I try to remind myself that that's the main goal.

I'm sure the record company have that mantra well and truly drummed into her, since when you think of Mandy Mole, "artistic integrity" and "alternative" don't spring to mind.

I guess I know I'm reaching people by the way fans react to me.

The same fans are just mindless sheep and tools for making profit. Or just plain tools. Songs like Candy might reach them, but an ounce of commonsense and originality never will.

When I first went on tour - and I was lucky enough early on to open up for some incredible bands, like Backstreet Boys and N Sync

It seems all these teen singers have to "open" for boybands. I guess you're a nobody until you've spread for one of them.

- people would be clapping and dancing, singing along. That was so cool!

Mandy, they were having epileptic fits. Did you really think the foaming at the mouth tick was just an expression of enthusiasm? Playing concerts for special children, who are powerless to leave, does not a great artist make.

And then I'd do an autograph signing and there'd be all these people waiting in line for hours. I'd be thinking, "For me?!?!"

I never knew thought processes had such poor grammar. Her thoughts had two question and two exclamation marks, for god's sake. I suppose she's not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Meeting my fans really drove home the point that so many of them are a lot like me

Gullible and easily-manipulated.

- teenage girls just starting to really find out what life's all about.

Oh, you'll soon find out how dispensible you are, then you'll be writing songs about what monsters record execs are, whilst simultaneously balancing a drug habit and horrible psychological disorders. Not that I want to seem negative about your future, or anything!111

Because of that, I think (hope!) they'll really relate to my new album. I am so passionate about these songs, and I think that comes through.

I'm too blinded by how insipid and pandering this is to notice any passion seeping through.

This is a big step for me. Overall, I'd say it's basically pop music- just not as young-sounding as the last album.

I'm sure the critics will phrase it just as eloquently.

Some tracks are a little more rock-oriented, with live instruments instead of synthesizers and preprogrammed music.

Good grief, she's definitely matured as an artist. Now she's past the speak and spell stage of singing, where the Stephen Hawking machine essentially make the music while she says "Candy" every two minutes and scratches her head.

I'm definitely taking some chances, thanks to some awesome producers like Emilio Estefan and up-and-comer James Renald. I mean, I'm doing this because I love it, so I want to keep myself happy as much as I want to entertain people. It just wouldn't be fun if I did the same stuff over and over again.

What is the star of The Mighty Ducks doing producing shitty records? Oh, I'm sorry, I keep getting second rate actors who stooge off their family name confused with second rate producers who stooge off their famous wife. For someone who resists doing the "same stuff over and over again" she's getting very repetitive. I say, she's getting very repetitive.

When you hear the first single, "Pennies In My Pocket," for the first time you'll be like, "Wow! That's really different!"

Obviously, she takes us all for fools. I'd be more inclined to say "Wow! That sucks! Turn it off before my head explodes! And why do I use so many exclamation marks?!!11"

It's got a sort of Middle Eastern influence, very intricate and rich-sounding, but the melody is so infectious.

How does a pop song ever sound rich? Pop by its nature alone is cheap.

Then there's "Turn The Clock Around," a real feel-good song - it gets you pumping and puts you in a good mood, like instant sunshine.

Gets us pumping, eh? Must be quite a song.

It also has a rock influence, because it's so guitar driven.

I'm sure it will draw instant comparisons to Bon Jovi and the like.

"When I Talk To You" is one of the songs I co-wrote, with Matthew Hager, my guitarist. It's about friendship - how certain people really prove to be true friends. I wrote it on the road.

Well, that was real smart. I think it might have been better to write it on a page. It's hard to rehearse lyrics when they're written on a road.

We were sitting on the dressing room floor waiting to do sound check, and he was warming up, playing this lick.

That's a startling revelation.

Starting to write my own music is a sign of how much I'm maturing and gaining more confidence.

Or how stupid the producers are for allowing you to run rampant with felt tip pens.

That's so important, because to me, confidence means being comfortable with yourself - and that's true beauty. When you're confident, you don't need to wear super-sexy clothes or develop some kind of fake "look-at-me" image because how you feel about yourself shines through.

Besides the mandatory spouting of tired cliches, you'll notice how Mandy tries to patronise her readers. And the confidence quip is obviously a dig at Britney and Christina, because they wear super-sexy clothes and want to be looked at. Unlike Mandy, who's seven foot five and a has a six inch mole on her cheek. Ouch, this pussycat has claws.

Mandy shows just how different she is to other teen acts by, umm, trying to hide her true self. Just like every other pop act, really.

If I'm going to get any attention for my looks, I want it to be because I'm unique and happy just being myself.

Happy being a marketing tool and so happy with her looks she hides them behind cakes of make-up and impressive airbrushing techniques.

Other exciting things have been going on besides the new album. I work for MTV, and this spring, MTV's Mandy starts up again. But it will be a little different from the show I did last year; it'll be more like a talk show that will focus on music and entertainment.

More proof (if it was needed) that MTV is sinking into a hole. A talk show with music and entertainment? How innovative. Those MTV guys are always thinking up new things.

Plus, I'm hoping to continue guest-hosting TRL when I can, and also be involved in any of their special programming. I'm also in Garry Marshall's new movie, The Princess Diaries, which comes out this summer. I play the mean, rude cheerleader who rules the school. The role was so not like me - so it was fun for me to find my inner "rrrrrr!" I'm also a spokesperson for Neutrogena, the skin care company - I'm in their commercials and print ads.

I'm sure her movie role was very challenging. Everyone knows that playing a cheerleader in a sickly teen movie is as challenging as it gets. Not even Meryl Streep could pull off a role of such complexity. I also think it's pretty ironic that Mandy is advertising skin products. What's next? Forrest Whitaker advertising eyecare? Robert Downey Junior promoting clean living? Rocky Dennis advertising motorcycle helmets?

Still, singing and performing music is my main thing. Being on stage is the greatest natural high you could imagine. Even if you've had a bad day, you go onstage and it all changes.

Because silly little teenage girls will stupidly stroke your little Diva ego and make you feel somewhat worthwhile, until they are palmed off with the next no-talent being groomed by the MTV brass.

Ok, that's enough of the bio...



The Rumor Mill.

I'm sorry for subjecting you all to that pitiful biography, but I'm sure the rumor mill, where Mandy tackles such pressing subjects as what sort of food she enjoys, will make up for it. This section is an absolute joke. Instead of naming it "the rumor mill", they should have dubbed it "the inane question mill". Let's take a very brief look:

RUMOR #4
From: Sum41
What size shoe do you wear?
MM: 10!!!!!!

I dread to think what this Sum41 cretin must look like. I'm well aware that normal people are outnumbered by morons, but what sort of retard asks about a celebrity's shoe size? With all the events in the nation and all the important things Sum41 could be doing, he/she/it decides to pose such a dreadful question. And look at Mandy's answer!!!! She has loads of exclamation marks!!!! She is really smart!!!!

RUMOR #8
From: cute_n_sexy
Mandy, I was just wondering how you got noticed to become a singer. I really want to be one and everyone says that I have a really good voice, so how do I get a record deal?
MM: DON'T PASS UP ON ANY GOOD OPPORTUNITY BECAUSE YOU NEVER WHO IS OUT IN THE AUDIENCE.

The simple answer is that Mandy has never really been a singer. The simpler answer is that you don't need to have a good voice to get a record deal these days, as Mandy proves quite ably. Mandy's answer, however, is on another level. Aside from the remarkable use of caps, she hardly even answers the question. For instance, what audience is she talking about? Jesus, I'd rather ask Steven Seagal for tips on getting a record deal. The answer is sure to be bullshit, but I'm sure he'd try to answer.

RUMOR #10
From: RMCissy2007
I heard Mandy wuz gonna do a duet with Britney Spears. Is that true?
MM: NO....SORRY. IT WOULD BE COOL THOUGH!!!!!

I pray to the lord above that this apocalyptic event never transpires. While I'm praying, I hope a ton of celebrities drop off the face of the earth (or get gobbled up by sharks), including but not limited to Ms Spears and Ms Moore.

"OMG, who'd I sleep with this time? LOL!1"

RUMOR #1
From: candygirl15
Mandy, babe, y are u scared of butterflies?? lol i was watching the makin of ur video So Real and u were like running from the lil butterfly and i was i thought it was kinda funny, but dont feel bad b/c i'm scared of em too!
MM: I FELL OF MY BIKE WHEN I WAS 5. A BUTTERFLY WAS FLUTTERING IN MY FACE AND SCARED ME, CAUSING ME FALL. I HAVE BEEN KINDA FREAKED EVER SINCE. MOTHS ARE WORSE THOUGH!

There's nothing I hate more than those fat, patronising girls who call everyone "babe" and don't even have the common decency to use a dictionary. What's the point in abbreviating the word your? Like it's worth shortening it to ur just because your stubby fingers couldn't be bothered tapping down two more keys. Pfft. I think candygirl15 is really Maya Angelou. With such a solid grasp of the English language and silky prose, she could well be. Her ineptitide is only matched by Mandy, who states that a butterfly "cause her fall". Inspired stuff, indeed.

RUMOR #13
From: hoopchick2
What Was Your Worst Problem That Went Wrong On Stage?
MM: I HAVE BEEN THROUGH SHOWS WHERE I COULD NOT HEAR MY SELF AT ALL!! IT SUCKS!!!!!!

No, I think that was one of the best things that could have happened. Especially if the audience were granted the luxury of not hearing her screeching little voice.



The Store

Why anyone would pay money and waste time on a pointless, vacant, tacky piece of trash...OR the doll in her likeness..is, frankly, beyond me.



The forum

Unlike most of these sites, which discourage any sort of intelligent or constructive feedback, Mandy actually has a forum wherein teen readers can make astounding claims like "UR so hot!1" and "ur music enspeeres me". I wouldn't encourage annoying anyone, but PLEASE register and harass her and her stupid fans. It would make my day. You'll all be pleased to learn that not only is Mandy a great thinker, she also has a lot to say about current affairs and has an active presence on her forums. Here are some of her recent entries:

(on her song making it to the top of the TRL charts, the fairest and most intellectually motivated charts in the history of music)

i never would have thought that one of my videos would make it to #1!! you made my day, week, month, year lol!!

Roughly translated: "Thanks for biting the bait. Hey, looks like I have longer than fifteen minutes. Laughing out loud!" The viewers made her day laughing out loud? How odd.

(thanking her silly fans for going to her shows)

THANK YOU for being so supportive (even though in most cases the sound wasn't good and other technical difficulties were present)........you rock and so do the radio stations!!!

Yeah, the sound sucked and the obvious technical difficulty of her not being able to sing or complete a thought without giggling ensured those shows were simply awesome.

(on the atrocities in New York, Pennsylvania and Washington)

in this time of chaos in our country i send my thoughts, love, prayers, and condolences to everyone, esepcially those who have unfairly perished due to this tragedy. please be safe and know i am praying for you

Surely the families and those deeply affected by this disaster will feel heartened by the insincere support of a phony, vacuous little diva who hasn't mastered the arts of spelling and grammar.



Above all, Mandymoore.com represents the decline in music and how America's youth will embrace anything with blonde hair and pop tunes. How else could you explain Aaron Carter? Seriously, spending time at this site just filled me with uncontrollable disgust. Through and through it's an abomination. A waste. A joke:

"Mandy, The Japanese are not too high on your website!"

I couldn't have said it any better myself.

Paul
paul@whatever-dude.com
AOL IM: paulwdfans

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