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The 2001 MTV VMAs reviewed.

posted by W-D Staff on 9/07/01

Dave

I'm sure my W-D compatriot's will do more than an adequate job of covering the musicians and winners and losers involved in last night's VMA's... so I'll spare the redundancy factor and take a few minutes to discuss the MTV people covering the event, in desecending order of my level of dislike for each one.

5) Kurt Loder - At one point in time, I really respected Loder's tongue-in-cheek, sarcastic way of handling the news at MTV. That time has passed. Now, he just comes across like a teacher who has tenure... and is free not to give two shits while doing his job. C'mon, he had Britney Spears sitting next to Mick Jagger and he couldn't ask any questions to make even that odd pairing remotely interesting.

4) Chris Connelly - Was it just me or was Connelly doing some sort of half-assed Gilbert Gottfried impersonation all throughout the pre-show. Dude, open your eyes. I'll give him credit for one thing though... not laughing at Will Smith's retarded son, Trey. =) Say hi to the camera, Trey. "Unghhh!!!!". Good job, son.

3) Sway - I'm all for a man having respect for his heritage... but when you have an on-air television job... your heritage should take a back seat. I mean, c'mon... that "hat" he wears is a distraction. It's the equivalent of an Italian reporter leaving the top three buttons of his shirt open and exposing his chest hair each time he covers a story.... What's next?? Will MTV hire a Hasidic man named "Oy", who respects his heritage by dressing in all black and smelling like shit?? Where will the insanity end? Where?!?!?

2) John Norris - MTV's veteran utility man. When Loder or Connelly don't want to cover something... they send in this Skeletor looking reject to do it. He's also famous for changing his hairstyle every month or so... yet he still hasn't found one remotely resembling something a human being would have.

1) Gideon Yago - First of all, who in this day and age names their kid "Gideon". The only Gideon I ever remember seeing, was in this one episode of "Little House on the Prarie" where the Ingalls' kids befriended a kid named Gideon, who got picked on because he had a stuttering problem. G-g-g-gideon. Geez.. Anyways.. Gideon Yago. Not only does this guy come across like a complete turd when he does MTV News reports wearing his uber-dork glasses... but once they get him out in the field last night.. he just comes across like the guy you would most want to give a "Mike Dexter" to. Why don't you go home and watch Star Trek... Urkel!!

dave@whatever-dude.com



B


I want it THAT way. (nudge nudge) IN THE BUTT!!11

The awards presentation started off on a sideways-glancing note with "Kevin" of the Backstreet Boys showing off an ankle-length black skirt of some kind. It turns out AJ has been out of rehab for 64 days sober now, and Kevin has been in the closet for almost 30 years. The rest of them obviously "weren't even supposed to BE HERE TODAY!!11" because they were dressed like they'd just crawled out from under a big pile of Dante's clothes. The Backstreet Boys suck 37 dicks. 38 counting tonight.

Outkast is the best group ever. One of the guys killed Snuffaluffagus for his pig fluffy pink pants and the other guy was dressed like an Oompa Loompa. If these guys weren't respected rap stars they would've been shot in the back of the head and dragged up and down the street by black guys, white guys, and Hispanic guys alike, all holding hands and smiling brightly about making the world a better place for gangster fashion.


I'm sorry, Ms. Jackson. So very, very sorry.

The Aaliyah tribute was sad, Janet Jackson would've cried her eyes out if she hadn't had her tear ducts filled with caulk so many years ago. Missy Elliot conveyed less emotion than she does when she misplaces a bag of Chips Ahoy! My official stance on the "Aaliyah Tragedy" is that I feel nothing but an overwhelming feeling of indifference -- as much as I didn't like her I never wanted her to die in a plane crash or anything. That kind of fiery death is reserved for Jessica Simpson and certain members of O-Town. I'd want THEM to crash and die but then we wouldn't be able to grow things where they landed for thousands of years, and I don't want to hurt our natural agricultural economy. I kept expecting Eminem to stand up in the crowd all of a sudden and scream "IT WAS YOU! DAMN!"

Speaking of the devil (literally), seeing Jessica Simpson, Mandy Moore, and Dream on stage all talking at once was sorta like getting punched in the face by a big pile of shit and then seeing multiples of it.


Then suddenly, Mandy Moore was BOMBARDED WITH GAMMA RADIATION!

When they finally figured out how to use their vocal chords and muscles to form complete sentences and announced that N*SYNC won an award is was like little birds were flying around my head, only they were on fire and were pooping out baby guts. Maybe this was because I've been drinking so much milk lately...that stuff's got blood and cow spunk in it. Just like Jessica Simpson! Haw haw!

Dale Earnhardt Jr. came out to introduce Linkin Park, but accidentally tripped and fell headfirst into the wall.

Julia Stiles and Chris Kattan performed a VERY funny "interpretive dance" to explain this year's viewers choice nominees. Kattan was his usually baby killing self, while Stiles looked GREAT in an all-black leotard that covered everything but her face and hands. A big break from typecasting for Jules, because usually the first things to get covered by black on her are her face and hands. That chick's had more black wieners in her than the Goth club.

Alicia Keys is really freaking hot, even if I DO get creepy Dee Jay from Street Fighter vibes from her haircut. Hoo hoo HAH. Watching her play piano was pretty impressive. If my children ever somehow come across a time machine and have to get people for their history finals I will suggest they go back and get Alicia Keys, so that they can take her to the mall and she can get in all sorts of wacky trouble by playing the keyboards at the music store. San Dimas High School Football rules!

Why does Eve has pawprints tattooed on her boobs? Oh, wait, I remember now. Oooh, look, Nelly's coming up next! Two animal sex jokes in a row. Being born in Southern Virginia I've got absolutely no grasp on Hip Hop. Y'know that commercial for "The Source Hip-Hop Awards 2001 CD?" To me it sounds like this:

YO BIG HITS FROM EVE JA RULE BUSTA RHYMES STINKY BOTTOMS WORD TO THE BAKER BOYS DANCING SANDY RAMBUCTIOUS KODOS 13 JIMMY WANK AND MORE! ALL THE BEST SONGS FROM NATE DOGG FEATURING PIE EATING CONTEST AND DIRTY YELLOW HAMMER IN THE HOUSE!

Perhaps being white has just warped my brain or something, but the conversation between Nelly and Macy Gray sounded sorta like snapping turtles mating. I'm not trying to be racist here, because if Keith Richards and Tito Puente had been on stage I would've made the same joke.

Okay, here's the deal N*SYNC. I'm just gonna start violently swinging my fists around like this. So if you're in the way when I walk by it's not my fault what happens to you. This formula goes for any automatic weapons I can get my hands on and any kind of large all-terrain vehicle. (sigh) I can't even make fun of these guys anymore. It's just sad when the lead singer guy comes out in bright yellow chaps. I guess the best defense to being made fun of is to make a complete fool out of yourself.


Grab it! Grab it dammit, or I will!

And then Michael Jackson showed up. What's next, the hooker monkeys and Dom Deluise getting a pie thrown in his face? God bless MTV, for finally associating Michael and "dirty pop" with people over the age of twelve. I was always more of a fan of the lesser known N*SYNC hits like "Cleveland Steamer" and "Donkey Sex," but I guess you'd have to ignore all that crap they play on the radio and listen to the GREAT STUFF on the album to hear those.

Mudvayne accepted the first ever MTV2 award with humorous fake bullet wounds
in their heads. Wishful thinking indeed.


Makes me wish I was a friendless teenager again.

Since the dawn of time, man has been searching the globe to find someone more unfunny, annoying, flamboyant, and over-all more useless sack of life, and after millions of years, they have found him - Ladies and gentlemen, Andy Dick. I've long felt that the only person in the world who finds Andy Dick even mildly tolerable is Andy Dick. If you think otherwise, don't just disagree with me...leave the page now. We don't take kindly to your types around here.


Almost as funny as "Apocalypse Now"...and far less violent.

2 hours into the show, the amount of people I've seen that I like: 0
2 hours into the show, the amount of people I've seen that I liked as a kid: 1
Rapper to Talent ratio: 1,000,000 to 1

Tenacious D and Jack Black show up, which means that our very own Emerson is marking out, that is, if he's not too busy writing 10,000 reasons why Darryl is really going to end up winning Tough Enough. They give the "Best Group of the Year" award to N*SYNC, which actually makes a lot of sense because they are one of three acts to actually have their videos played on MTV. It's like N*SYNC, Destiny's Child, and fucking Nikka Costa all day long, nonstop. Hey MTV, NOBODY LIKES NIKKA COSTA. SHE IS NOT A RISING STAR. GIVE IT UP.


The face of modern beauty. *snort*

Estella Warren hugs Usher on stage. If my kids ever get that time machine (after they've gotten A+'s on their history report of course, Joan of Arc was NOT Noah's wife) I will make a public offer of ONE HUNDRED BILLION DOLLARS if Estella Warren would hug Usher and then hold his hand up like he's the best, and then when he's not looking crack him across the back of his freaking skull with a folding chair. Then she could put his head on a chair and give him a one-man con-chair-to. Who am I kidding, if I could go back in time I'd persuade her to make out with Beyonstiny for the money. So many options.

Wyclef's Pepsi Commercial: "This track is MISSING SOMETHING!" Perhaps because it's a song about Pepsi. Go back to making reggae songs about submarines with Lauryn Hill again so people will like you again. Pepsi hasn't done anything for the world since a couple years ago when they sent Sisqo into space.

Does Stain'd have any songs that DON'T sound like that? Color Me Badd had more musical range than those guys. Color Me Badd had the "OOooOOOOOOOH I wanna sex you up tick tock ya don't stop stop" song and the "I adoooooooore....mi amooooorrr" song, so they can play one more kind of song than Stain'd.


Miss Mary Mack Mack Mack all dressed in black black black...

Nelly (yes, THAT Nelly, the one who "sings" about cocoa puffs and the Jeffersons, not the one who sings about birds and dog noises) just defeated Eminem's "Stan" video, the crowning achievement of popular culture during the last year, for "Best Rap Video." Missy Elliot is coming up LIVE ON STAGE next, so I will stick my head into the toilet and drown myself in a mixture of unnaturally cold water and little chunks of Salisbury Steak stuck to the upper inside. It is a fate worse than death, but not worse than Nelly. Hopefully Paul will have a stronger will than I, since he's European, and they ride scooters everywhere.

swan@whatever-dude.com



Filippo

Everyone at Time magazine just breathed a sigh of relief.

When it is time to make the selection of Man of the year, there will be no high pitched arguments, torn-out hair follicles, or seeds of doubt over the pick.

This year's pick announced himself at the MTV music awards, as he strutted on stage to hand out the Hip-hop music video award. The man is A.J McLean.

McLean who drowned himself in a mixture of drugs, booze, and cheap porn stars showed valor and unflinching courage battling these deadly vices. While the common man shows up at rehab for silly reasons such as being one drink away from the grave, guzzling themselves out of a job and a house, or increasing a propensity for violence against his family. AJ and his bandmates knew he needed help the night he flubbed his lyrics in a concert in Tupelo, Mississippi.

His life or death struggle led him to a Club Med for rich and famous addicts, er...rehab where he was able to kick his self-destructive habits, amid posh surroundings that would make the Four Seasons hotel look like a flea infested Econolodge.

A.J proudly stated that he had remained sober for "64 Days" which cued the standing O and the congratulatory nods from the crowd. For as A.J proved to the world that not only can the human spirit overcome any odds, but that a multi-million dollar concert tour can only be postponed for so long.

Cynics keep the snipes to a minumum. Nobody wants to hear about how this is just a move to boost sagging ticket sales. Or this is simply a ploy to spice up the dull and fading careers of the Backstreet Boys whose saccerine sweet image is falling out of favor in a hurry. We don't need the snide remark that dramatically announcing such a meager feat as 64 Days of sobriety was simply an outrageous ego on display. Please, can we show a little compassion for are wounded stars? Which reminds me, I need to send out my get well cards to Mariah Carey and Ben Affleck.

Before I go, here are a few comments and questions:

Was overt symbolism at work with the show ending in Britney Spears lip syncing her way through another awful single, and the best video going to a weak cover song?

Award presentors: Dream and Jessica Simpson. How did MTV fit all this overflowing talent on one stage?

After showing up at a Jay -Z concert and playing 6th fiddle to N*Sync what other desperate act will Micheal Jackson commit in order to sell his $2,500 dollar concert seats and Invincible album?

How many other medicore proformances will we have to sit through before MTV bites the bullet and admits that Chris Rock is the only comedian who can pull off the challenging task of hosting a VMA's successfully?

J-Lo deserves more credit for more than just her eye-popping dresses and protruding backside. J-Lo was able to pull off the not so easy feat of actual live singing (what a concept Britney), in addition to dancing in very high heels. Add intelligence to the list of compliments, as she was smart enough to ditch Puffy when the relationship had served its purpose career wise. A fact very evident last night.

Kid Rock looking like a bucket a vomit, and Mick Jagger babbling like the over the hill fool he is. Really, could we have asked for anything more at theVMA's?

filippo@whatever-dude.com



Paul

I figure I have some sort of masochistic streak running through my veins, because every year, despite my better judgment (not that my regular judgment is too hot), I'll watch the two big MTV award showcases - the MTV music and movie awards. Each show is as irrelevant as the other, since none of the winning acts are enhanced by collecting the increasingly vacant plaudits. The musical plaudits themselves say more about record company power than actual talent, the winning acts usually pushed down the collective throats of the collective masses - manufactured drones and the latest flavor of the month.

MTV, in its persistent and tiring attempt to be hip and edgy, uses these award shows to emphasize just how, well, hip and edgy they are. The movie awards, for instance, are supposed to be the Academy Awards anti-thesis - the true epitome of Hollywood greed and shady power plays - but they actually wind up looking even more rigged and are definitely less worthy. You see, the Oscars actually give the impression of rewarding sound acting, directing and actual talent. Save for a few head-scratchers, most of their winners have talent and you can detect the logic in rewarding them. On the other hand, the MTV movie awards open the voting to the general public, a worthless mob who enable micro-talents like Freddie Prinze Jr. and Julia Stiles to collect awards in such revolutionary categories as "Best Kiss" and "Best Action Sequence in a romantic comedy starring Scott Caan". High art, indeed.

Democracy sucks.

"My son shames the Freddie Prinze name"

The sad thing is, most of these acts are only there due to the dealings of their agents. They have very little merit whatsoever. I know this, I knew this and I still watch MTV's self-concious style fests. I guess I enjoy watching celebrities making assholes out of themselves, but that alone cannot explain the attraction. Maybe it's knowing that amid the crassness, superficiality and utter pointlessness, I can look back on these sort of shows and laugh, safe in the knowledge that most of the acts are yesterday's news.

This year's show was particularly dire, but then hiring the charmless Jamie Foxx as host was bound to get them off to a bad start. The guy is completely devoid of talent, and with a few decent movie hits under his belt, it's easy to see that his MTV stock is rising - along with his ego. His lame introductions (and believe me, the "writers" should be ashamed of the patter they wrote) were painful to sit through, and his basic act was "let me introduce someone who needs no introduction e.t.c. She's my sister/he's my bro...". Obviously Foxx is MTV's latest golden boy, just as the annoying Julia Stiles is their new flava- both for different and equally perplexing reasons. It's just a pity that Foxx doesn't follow in the tradition of many fine black comedians who preceded him. Namely because he isn't funny or talented. The Wayans, he ain't!1

P.S I'd like to introduce Jamie Foxx to a reality check.

When bad comedians attack..

Trying to analyze the winners is an exercise in futility. The results were depressing in their obviousness, and it speaks volumes about the depths to which the music industry has sunk when shitty boybands like N*Sync are walking away with the honors. Now, the Backstreet Boys I get. I'm not ashamed to admit that I've enjoyed a few of their songs, they do have vocal talent and a few of them are good looking guys. N*Sync are the polar opposite, really. With the possible exception of Timberlake, I can't fathom why any teenage girl would be attracted to these guys. Musically or physically. I guess it shows that if the media says something is exciting, cool or hot, the mindless will believe it. Twenty years from now, N*Sync will be a standing joke, and people will scold themselves for falling into the media's trap.

Look at the guys! If they're not creepy, they're certainly ugly; Joey Fatone is the laughing stock of the pop world; Timberlake claims to be a virgin and looks like a dweeb; the other guys just freak me out. When they were performing "Dirty Pop" in their ultra-flaming attire, I prayed that Timberlake would trip. The guy reeks of smugness and I would have loved to see him fall flat on his ass. But I'm weird like that. Their "big surprise" was the entrance of Michael Jackson at the end of "Dirty Pop". Looking ghastlier than ever, he danced (if you could even call it that) through a few beats. "The King of Pop" is a parody squeezed into a big sack of self-parody. It was actually quite sad to see. Here's a guy who had the world (and more than a few misguided youngsters) at his feet, who was shamed into hiding and has come back looking like some sort of ridiculous clown. The magic, or his ability to move fluidly, has deserted him. The crowd cheered him on, but he danced like one of those old folks when they realize the leaky bladder has let up again. I think he may have shit himself. But then, he wasn't the only thing that stunk that night.

Spike Jonze's Walken-solo "Weapon of Choice" won six awards. It's a very fun video, and very well shot, but MTV needs to throw some cold water on that big hard-on it has for Jonze. The guy is unquestionably talented and he does have some quirky ideas. I'm just sick of reading how much of a genius this guy is. "Being John Malkovich" for me was a good idea extended and twisted so much that it turned into a good wasted idea. I know the points he was making, and I enjoy his work, but his quest to be the neurotic little hero has become tiresome. He could probably film the activity surrounding a turd for ten minutes and the alternative media would still remind us how groundbreaking, unique and wonderful he is. That turd would say lots about the nature of humanity you see.

My nature of humanity was stretched to the limits when I watched, open-mouthed, Julia Stiles and Chris Kattan perform some horrendous dance moves. This was supposed to be funny and post-modern, but ended up an embarrassment for all concerned. First off, Kattan isn't funny and needs to be thrown in a ditch and beaten with shovels Casino-style. Stiles has the most vexing facial expressions in Hollywood, and MTV is making sure we choke on their latest hot property. They must be. It's like Julia Stiles overkill. What has she done to deserve all this attention?

Dream, Mandy Moore and Jessica Simpson teaming on stage to present an award was a total shambles. You can tell in most of these shows that the cue-cards are in place, but never was it more evident or painful to watch than here. Then N*Sync sauntered up to collect another ill-deserved award. If someone had been kind enough to throw a bomb at the stage right then, they would have eased record industry woes by a considerable margin. On a somewhat related note, I never knew Jessica Simpson was so small, or that Mandy Moore was so gangly and awkward looking.

Aaliyah's tribute was well handled, save for Janet Jackson ballsing up the script. It was very emotional just watching Janet Jackson forcing herself to look sincere. For the record, I did like Aaliyah and I think her death is a tragedy. What was an even bigger tragedy was that they allowed Missy Elliott to deliver one of the least genuine tributes I've ever heard. MTV handled the whole sequence with tact and never hit the over-sentimental button. It was moving but not sickening. That could have been spoiled if they'd followed it up with the Red Hot Chilli Peppers singing "Aeroplane" or Westlife crooning "Flying without Wings". MTV aren't THAT ironic.

I thought Linkin Park did a decent job on stage. They sound like monsters and look like Trekkies, but they do have intensity. I'm not a fan of their type of music, and I normally dislike songs that tell me how poor the world is and how our heads should explode with paranoia and rage. But I vastly prefer eloquent negativity to "Bye Bye Bye" and Nelly's horrible song "Ride wit' Me". The highlight of the night for me was when Nelly was presenting an award and some guy screamed "you're a dick". Unfortunately, the auditorium was packed with dicks.

The most talented performer to receive an award was Moby, the creator of the best make-out music EVER. Typically, he only got the award due to his collaboration with "Tank Girl" Gwen Stefani. The music industry is so twisted.

"My love cost about $5 million and stooged fame for J-Lo. She lied to me through song. I HATE when people do that.."

The camera wouldn't stop panning to P Diddy. The guy wouldn't smile the whole night. Granted, his are teeth that are best hidden in the gums, but he could at least grimace. But then, it must be tough being a multi-millionaire, very respected playa who got rich from his dead fat friend. Poor millionaire, P Diddy :(

Overall, the show was one of the worst ever. Occasionally, these shows will have some saving graces, usually in the guise of Ben Stiller of Jim Carrey. This time, even Britney dancing with a snake couldn't save the day. Nothing moves us anymore. The TRL crowd have taken over and music is being buried into the ground.

Who can save it now?

paul@whatever-dude.com


B, Dave, Filippo and Paul can be reached by e-mail and are available for weddings and Bar Mitzvahs.




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