Announcing the Whatever-Dude Reader Submission
posted by The
W-D Staff on 6/30/01
Have you always wondered to yourself, why does Whatever-Dude say that
they accept samples... yet I've never seen a writer on the site besides B, Paul, Dave, or
Well wonder no more!
There's Nothin' Our Site Can't Fix (for ya baby)
For you see, the time is upon us at Whatever-Dude to give you, the readers, your shot
at the glory of appearing on Whatever-Dude's main board. If you somehow DEFEAT the Iron
Chef, you will win the ovation of the crowd and fame forever.
Starting at 6 a.m. EST on Monday morning and ending at 6 p.m. EST on Friday evening of
each week... we will be accepting submissions from readers to be voted on by the kind and
friendly staff of W-D.
The best sample from each week will be awarded the top prize of being featured on the
brand spankin' new:
Super Saturday Sample Fun Day with Extra 1's Added To the End To Make It Funny!!111
Guys... have you ever been afraid to ask out the girl that you think is a little out of
your league? Well, nothing says I'm really good in the sack and you should go out with me
quite like being able to send your crush an e-mail linking her to your work on
Ladies... You know that guy that you see at work or school everyday that gives you that
special tingly feeling? Well.. he could be yours... all you need is an article on
Whatever-Dude... and chances are he won't be able to resist you. Hell, he might even show
up at your door and do a one man performance of the backstreet Boys' "I Want it That
Way"... just for you!!!
You can't win if you don't enter... so c'mon what have you got to lose??
Your entry can be about anything you want, including but not limited to games,
television, movies, celebrities, music, or a location. But hell, if you want to write
about how Hacksaw Jim Duggan's brave battle with cancer helped you overcome adversity and
begin hitting people upside the head with a 2 X 4, by all means, go right ahead tough guy.
Send your samples to: email@example.com
And since he's one of B's friends, here's the winner to star things off,
"Knowledge is Good" by Paul Ankerich.
USA! USA! USA!
Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.
-Robert L. Frost
B, the wondrous feathered friend of humanity, once said to me, "Write an article
for my website. Do this and I shall grant you three wishes. Do not and I shall cleft thine
balls from thine wang." In actuality, Brandon has said no such thing to me (and he,
hopefully, never will). Let us imagine, though, if I did have three wishes. "What
would they be," I ask myself.
"The first would be for a copy of Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves on
"Really, Self? I always liked that film because, in spite of Kevin Costners
American accent and flagrant use of ass-photography, Morgan Freeman manages to shine and
bring dignity to the role of Robins moor companion."
"The second would be X-ray vision."
"Ooooh, you like to look a naked women TOO, eh Self? You old dog."
"The third would be a profound, resolute college education."
"A profound, resolute college education." I never cease to amaze myself. Or,
at least, my self never ceases to amaze I.
Everything has been leading up to college in my life. The same applies to the majority
of the graduating high school class of 2001. Back when I was a wee lad, plowing my He-Man
Big-Wheel into trash cans and catching lizards outside of my grandmothers house
(yesterday), my father sat down and told me, "Son, youre going to college to
meet girls and get an education. And were going to Chik-Fil-A for supper."
Well, I probably dont even need to tell you this, but when a statement so profound
such as that is pressed upon a young man such as myself, stress accumulates. "What if
my SATs arent good enough? What if I totally dick out on my AP Government exam and
scribble huge anarchy symbols all over the essay portion due to the sheer accidental
nature of my boredom? What if ... the X-Men lost Inferno?!?!?!?!"
So with unrelenting pressure racking my brain I turn here in the hope that some
profound, resolute explanation will present itself amongst the madness.
Well, to be totally honest, its not as bad as it is stressful. The idea that the
halcyon days of my youth were gone before I knew that I had them troubles me. The idea
that in two months Ill be sharing a room with Tanner Stone makes me just want to lie
in my bed for as long as possible. I admit to having been pampered most of my life.
I havent been pampered in the sense that I compete in the equestrian at St. Holy
Cunt-Marys Prep School, or wear scarves that match my woolen sweater vest. I mean
pampered in that Im middle class and have never lived in the same room with another
person in my entire life. Pampered, to me, means that mom always put the straw in my
carton of Ecto-Cooler for me or that dad never made me pay for my Number One value meal,
value-sized with a Coke.
The idea that after all this time - after a childhood of never having to worry about
anything other than eating Count Chocula or blueberry waffles for breakfast - I am faced
with little more than the prospect of taking a gigantic leap of faith into the great wide
open ... scares me a little.
How do we seem to you? Do you find us beautiful, magical? Our white skin, our fierce
eyes? "Eat my Cereal" you ask me, do you have any idea of the thing you will
Im not alone, either; change is hardly an entirely pleasant experience for
anybody. Neither is being hit in the head with a lead pipe, nor does cracking your chin
open while trying to slide down an aisle at Wal-Mart on a giant, fish-shaped pillow in an
attempt to impress your prom date equate to happiness. Yet all three are characteristics
of growing up - of losing ones innocence (lots of blood, too). So why go to such
agonizing lengths - just to go to college?
1.) So I wont end up like the fat, dumbass kid who always screws up your
order at Subway. Damnit, youre ALWAYS standing right in front of the little bastard
- yet still, you ALWAYS have to say, "Did I ORDER mayonnaise? DID I ORDER BANANA
PEPPERS? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? NO! My Roasted Chicken has been in the microwave
for THREE minutes, already! Put the knife down! No! No! AHHHHHH!!!! AHHHHHHH!!!! The
blood! Look at all the blood! And youre not even wearing gloves!"
Looks like it's BURGERTIME
for Jared Fogle. Run, fat ass, run!
2.) Maybe its because Id have to join the military. I might even get
to see the day where we have interplanetary marines, and they bring back these horrible
face-hugger aliens that impregnate you with little chest-burster xenomorphs, and Private
Hudson bursts into the room, and the next thing you know, ITS GAME OVER, MAN! GAME
OVER! WERE IN SOME REAL PRETTY SHIT NOW, MAN! WHAT DO WE DO?! WHAT DO WE DO?! Then
they come out from under the floor and drag you down with them, and theres more
screaming, and ... ugh.
DO YOU APES WANNA LIVE FOREVER?
3.) The possibility of having to constantly see Kevin Costners bare ass
with my X-ray vision, even as hes doing super-cool things like shooting flaming
arrows at people or catapulting himself over castle walls.
Kevin Costner's bare ass without my X-ray vision.
Because I, like so many of my peers, have made that horrid and grievous error of
setting goals for life. I used to think that when my father told me that I was going to
college, I should have kicked him in the nuts - right then and there - and run off to the
wild frontier with the hope of eating wild huckleberries, getting into adventures,
discovering my purpose in life, etc. But what else is college? "Ive been
worried over nothing. I think that I love you, so what am I so afraid of," I ask
"A love that there is no cure for?"
College isnt even the big picture, but right now its the only picture. I
have never been as scared or so stressed in my life as I am right now. But I have never
been as excited, nor as curious as to what the future holds.
"Boo" Berry College
So, as I say goodbye to my friends of thirteen years, or as I revel in the hilarity and
romance of my youthful pursuit of the fairer sex while I depart the slow southern town of
Dallas, Georgia to pass through the Gate of Opportunity at Berry College this fall, I may
not have my innocence, or whatever, but I will at least know that I am only going in the
nature of things. After all, I certainly wont be alone. After all, nothing gold can
- Paul Ankerich
Remember, you can't win if you don't enter. So get those article submissions to firstname.lastname@example.org, and make them good.