Shot Through the Heart and You’re to Blame… You Give Crabmeat a Bad Name.. (insert hot guitar riffs here)

Posted 4/27/10 by D-Mac

It’s weird how some things have been around so long and came before our time that we never even question just what the hell is something is or how it came about. Kind of like if one of my sons happened to be flipping through the channels and caught Richard Simmons prancing onto the stage in his signature tank top and short shorts. While they might be taken aback by what they’re seeing, my response would inevitably be.. “Oh, that’s just Richard Simmons.”.. as if that was explanation enough.

Nobody even questions it anymore..

Along those lines.. one of the things I enjoy picking up at the supermarket every once in a while and tossing on a salad is imitation crabmeat. Whether that segue is completely brilliant or just flat out ridiculous is beyond me.. Never have I really ever questioned just what the hell imitation crab meat is though. I mean, it’s imitation crabmeat. That’s what it is. That’s what it’s always been… but really, what the hell is it?

It's 9:30 on a Tuesday night.. The kids are asleep.. Lost is a rerun.. and I'm not even writing about real crabmeat. Send help.

It doesn’t really taste anything like crabmeat and it’s not like I buy it because I’m pretending that it is crabmeat and I’m some poor schlub trying to live the seafood high life vicarously through a $2.50 package from the seafood department at Shop Rite. Doing a little research, it would appear that it is really ground up white fish processed and colored to try and give the appearance of crabmeat. But why? Why can’t they give it some other name without such the negative white trash-esque connotation. It’s a relatively innocuous, flavorless fish that has a nice texture when thrown on a salad. So I gotta ask.. Who marketed this?

I mean, it’s not like you would walk into a Toyota dealership and ask for an “Imitation Lexus”. You wouldn’t go to your local video store and rent “Heathers” starring Winona Ryder and Imitation Jack Nicholson..  or “Sweet Home Alabama” starring Reese Witherspoon and Imitation Matthew McConaughey.. or go to Itunes and download that Tik Tok song by Imitation $inger.. so why would you give a food item a name that almost sounds like it’s not really food at all and some sort of plastic creation, like Jeff Goldblum trying to teleport a steak and Geena Davis spitting it out.. I’ve waited almost a decade to make a “The Fly” reference on the internets.. and I did it! I fucking did it! Top of the world, ma!!

Now if you’ll excuse me.. I have to go ponder why Easy Cheese does not need to be refrigerated even after it’s been opened. I mean, what’s up with that.. and what’s the deal with airline peanuts?

Dave

dave@whatever-dude.com

2 Responses to “Shot Through the Heart and You’re to Blame… You Give Crabmeat a Bad Name.. (insert hot guitar riffs here)”

  1. Issac Maez Says:

    I found your site via yahoo thanks for the post. I will bookmark it for future reference. Thanks Concrete Slab

  2. xander Says:

    Hey, Dave & Sebellox! What a pleasant surprise to see the ol’ website up and running again. W-D was the only thing that got me through college and I doubt I’d be a journalist today if it weren’t for you, B, Fouff, Jen, Jon or the 7th, damn the 7th! Keep up the good work, dOOds!

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